Greg's Top Ten Players Who Have Screwed Me Over in Fantasy Football (in no particular order):
1. Phillip Rivers: Thanks for turning the ball over 30 times last year, you piece of crap. I traded up in last year's draft to take this idiot and he rewards me with one of the most disappointing fantasy seasons in recent memory. With my luck, the little prick will have a bounce back year this season and throw 40 touchdowns. May Richard Seymour sit and fart on you from underneath the pile, you rotten bastard.
2. DeSean Jackson: So much for having a great season with a contract on the line. You were about as effective as rubbing sandpaper on a rash. I traded him away for Reggie Bush and a future draft pick last year only to laugh as I watched Bush outplay Jackson for the remainder of the season. Wow, DeFraud, you were outplayed by Reggie freaking Bush.
3. & 4. Tom Brady & Randy Moss: In 2007, I probably had the perfect fantasy football team...until week 15 when they played the New York Jets. Honestly, guys, how do you score an unprecedented number of TDs for the entire season and then manage to score zero the week I needed you the most - the fantasy playoffs. Just another reason for me to hate Patriots.
5. Ron Dayne: I drank your juice one too many times. The most recent, and final, was in 2006 when he was running wild towards the end of the season. Dayne tore off four straight games with either 90 yards rushing at at least one touchdown. So, I do what any normal owner would do...keep starting him. Final week of the fantasy season he's due to play the lowly Browns. His stats for the day: 1 start, 0 rushing yards on 0 attempts. Right after the game began and he was slated to start, his intestinal fortitude got injured and he never saw the field. Thanks for the goose egg, fucknut. Your contribution to my score that day probably is representative of your body type these days - a big round zero.
6. Kelly Holcomb: Who, you ask? Oh, just some guy who had one of the most improbable runs in football during the 2002 season that culminated with a 400-yard 3 touchdown game against the gritty Steleers on the road during the playoffs. I bought it and drafted him as my starter in 2003, thinking if he can put together such numbers against top talent in the playoffs, he's gonna continue to thrive. Not so much. 10 TDs and 12 Interceptions on the year and he pretty much drowned any hope of me making the playoffs in '03.
7. Willis McGahee: In 2006 I made him my top pick after he posted 13 scores two years before and had a career high 1,247 yards the previous year. I'm thinking this is a no-brainer, right? My reward, a sub 1,000 yard season and a measly six scores - which doesn't even match the number of kids he's allegedly fathered (9). No he's not Mormon, just really friggin' stupid. Nine kids with eight different women. Class act, Willis.
8. Bill Polian & 9. Jim Irsay: I can't very well blame Peyton Manning for missing the season but I can blame these two guys for leading me to believe he'd be playing by week 3 next season as they alluded to before the 2011 season was underway. I took a flier on Peyton last year figuring I could deal with him missing a few games if the price was right. The price was wrong. Instead of having Peyton as my quarterback I had to enjoy the lovely combination of Rex Grossman, Curtis Painter and Ryan Fitzpatrick. Yeah, that turned out well. Speaking of Peyton...
10. Peyton Hillis: White Rhino my ass. More like the Great White Hype. John Riggins and Mike Alstott nearly had better fantasy seasons than Hillis did last year and they've both been retired for quite some time.
1. Phillip Rivers: Thanks for turning the ball over 30 times last year, you piece of crap. I traded up in last year's draft to take this idiot and he rewards me with one of the most disappointing fantasy seasons in recent memory. With my luck, the little prick will have a bounce back year this season and throw 40 touchdowns. May Richard Seymour sit and fart on you from underneath the pile, you rotten bastard.
2. DeSean Jackson: So much for having a great season with a contract on the line. You were about as effective as rubbing sandpaper on a rash. I traded him away for Reggie Bush and a future draft pick last year only to laugh as I watched Bush outplay Jackson for the remainder of the season. Wow, DeFraud, you were outplayed by Reggie freaking Bush.
3. & 4. Tom Brady & Randy Moss: In 2007, I probably had the perfect fantasy football team...until week 15 when they played the New York Jets. Honestly, guys, how do you score an unprecedented number of TDs for the entire season and then manage to score zero the week I needed you the most - the fantasy playoffs. Just another reason for me to hate Patriots.
5. Ron Dayne: I drank your juice one too many times. The most recent, and final, was in 2006 when he was running wild towards the end of the season. Dayne tore off four straight games with either 90 yards rushing at at least one touchdown. So, I do what any normal owner would do...keep starting him. Final week of the fantasy season he's due to play the lowly Browns. His stats for the day: 1 start, 0 rushing yards on 0 attempts. Right after the game began and he was slated to start, his intestinal fortitude got injured and he never saw the field. Thanks for the goose egg, fucknut. Your contribution to my score that day probably is representative of your body type these days - a big round zero.
6. Kelly Holcomb: Who, you ask? Oh, just some guy who had one of the most improbable runs in football during the 2002 season that culminated with a 400-yard 3 touchdown game against the gritty Steleers on the road during the playoffs. I bought it and drafted him as my starter in 2003, thinking if he can put together such numbers against top talent in the playoffs, he's gonna continue to thrive. Not so much. 10 TDs and 12 Interceptions on the year and he pretty much drowned any hope of me making the playoffs in '03.
7. Willis McGahee: In 2006 I made him my top pick after he posted 13 scores two years before and had a career high 1,247 yards the previous year. I'm thinking this is a no-brainer, right? My reward, a sub 1,000 yard season and a measly six scores - which doesn't even match the number of kids he's allegedly fathered (9). No he's not Mormon, just really friggin' stupid. Nine kids with eight different women. Class act, Willis.
8. Bill Polian & 9. Jim Irsay: I can't very well blame Peyton Manning for missing the season but I can blame these two guys for leading me to believe he'd be playing by week 3 next season as they alluded to before the 2011 season was underway. I took a flier on Peyton last year figuring I could deal with him missing a few games if the price was right. The price was wrong. Instead of having Peyton as my quarterback I had to enjoy the lovely combination of Rex Grossman, Curtis Painter and Ryan Fitzpatrick. Yeah, that turned out well. Speaking of Peyton...
10. Peyton Hillis: White Rhino my ass. More like the Great White Hype. John Riggins and Mike Alstott nearly had better fantasy seasons than Hillis did last year and they've both been retired for quite some time.
