September 19, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Biggest Surprises From This NFL Season:
1. Mediocre Quarterback Play: This is solely directed at the "elite" quarterbacks. Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Tom Brady and Matt Stafford have a combined mark of 12 TD's and 11 INT's heading into week three. I'm guessing these guys will probably get it turned around at some point, but as of right now there's much to be desired.
2. C.J. Spiller: Two weeks into the season Fred Jackson's understudy has gained 364 yards from scrimmage and has an videogame-like 10.1 yard per carry. Chances are, he'll come down to earth somewhat, but as of today he is the NFL's top rusher. Who would have guessed it?
3. Cardinals are 2-0: What? Did Kurt Warner come out of retirement? Personally, I think this is a case of "It's better to be lucky than good." Seattle let week one's matchup with the Cardinals get away from them late and the Patriots were one missed kick away from getting the best of the Cards. Perhaps the buck will stop in week three's matchup against former division rival Philadelphia.
4. Saints are 0-2: I suppose we could have seen this coming considering how much the team went through in the offseason, but I still expected better from them. Both the Redskins and Panthers have scored on them with ease. Chances are, they get their first win this week against the lowly Chiefs.
5. Alex Smith Breaks Team Record: Smith's 216 straight passes without an interception thrown is remarkable when you consider how many great players have suited up at quarterback for the 49ers. He bested Steve Young's mark of 185 during week two's Sunday night game against the Detroit Lions. Side note - he still has to throw another 119 passes without an interception to match Tom Brady's NFL mark of 335 passes without a pick.
6. Replacement Officials: As I understand it, the money the league officials are asking for is a drop in the bucket when one considers how much revenue the NFL takes in every year. Why the quality and integrity of the game is being compromised is beyond my understanding. I guess I shouldn't be shocked by anything that happens when the NFL's top brass and greed are involved, but I really thought this would be resolved by now.
7. Chris Johnson Sucks Again: Seriously, how the hell did this guy run for 2,000 yards a few years ago? This season his stat line is as follows: 19 carries for 21 yards 0 TDs. That's 1.1 yards per carry. There are people watching the games at home who could run for 1.1 yards per carry over the course of two games. Heck, Steve McNair could probably still rush for 1.1 yards per carry. Oh, wait, too soon?
8. Clay Mathews is Lawrence Taylor: Two games, six sacks. Can someone block this guy? He's making sacks look as easy as you used to when using LT in Tecmo Super Bowl. Imagine if Mathews kept up this pace...48 sacks on the year. Of course, that won't happen, but Michael Strahan's single season mark of 22.5 is very much within reach and we're just two weeks into the 2012 season.
9. Akers Ties NFL FG Mark: Of all the players kicking in the NFL there's no way I could be convinced that Old Man Akers could boot a 63-yard Field Goal and tie an NFL mark for distance. Even Akers appeared completely stunned that he made the kick, which bounced off the bottom of the post and over just before the end of the half during the Niners' week one matchup against the Packers.
10. 20 Teams Are 1-1: Never before in NFL history have so many teams been 1-1 through two games of the season. I guess there really is something to be said for parity.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
September 4, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Predictions For The Indianapolis Colts 2012 Season:
1. Colts improve upon their 2-14 mark by going 7-9 on the year, good enough for 2nd in the division behind the Houston Texans.
2. Fourth year running back Donald Brown has his first 1,000 yard season.
3. Rookie quarterback Andrew Luck will score over 20 combined touchdowns and throw for over 3,500 passing yards.
4. Recently traded corner Vontae Davis will lead the team in interceptions with four.
5. Former Colt receiver Pierre Garcon will have more receiving yards for Washington than any member of the Colts.
6. For the second straight year, the Colts will fail to have a player voted to the Pro Bowl on offense.
7. The Colts will actually return a kick/punt for a touchdown. (Colts fans know this is a big stretch since our special teams unit is usually a disaster)
8. Rookie tight ends Coby Fleener and Dwayne Allen will combine for a total of 10 touchdowns.
9. Robert Mathis will lead the team in sacks.
10. The Colts will split division series' with both the Titans and Jaguars but get swept by the Texans.
Greg's Top Ten Predictions For The Indianapolis Colts 2012 Season:
1. Colts improve upon their 2-14 mark by going 7-9 on the year, good enough for 2nd in the division behind the Houston Texans.
2. Fourth year running back Donald Brown has his first 1,000 yard season.
3. Rookie quarterback Andrew Luck will score over 20 combined touchdowns and throw for over 3,500 passing yards.
4. Recently traded corner Vontae Davis will lead the team in interceptions with four.
5. Former Colt receiver Pierre Garcon will have more receiving yards for Washington than any member of the Colts.
6. For the second straight year, the Colts will fail to have a player voted to the Pro Bowl on offense.
7. The Colts will actually return a kick/punt for a touchdown. (Colts fans know this is a big stretch since our special teams unit is usually a disaster)
8. Rookie tight ends Coby Fleener and Dwayne Allen will combine for a total of 10 touchdowns.
9. Robert Mathis will lead the team in sacks.
10. The Colts will split division series' with both the Titans and Jaguars but get swept by the Texans.
September 1, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Current Players I Will NOT Be Drafting this Weekend:
1. Michael Vick, Philadelphia Eagles, QB: Drank this juice last year and there's no way in hell I'm going to drink it again after the indigestion it caused me. Every single time Vick took the field, when he took the field, I feared for
his safety. It's almost like there's a cult of dogs somewhere poking needles into a Michael Vick voodoo doll. When you scramble out of the pocket and use your legs to gain yards, learn how to slide, Michael.
2. Reggie Bush, Miami Dolphins, RB: It's not that I don't like Reggie Bush, it's more about the team he plays for that bothers me. If there was ever a team in line for the Matt Barkley sweepstakes, it's the Miami Dolphins. I can't imagine Reggie Bush will emerge as a powerhouse rusher with so little talent surrounding him.
3. Randy Moss, San Francisco 49ers, WR: I'm just not buying it. In fact, I'm a bit surprised he didn't get cut this past week considering how little he did during the preseason. Of course, I'm sure coach Jim Harbaugh doesn't want to tip his hand in the preseason, but I still wouldn't draft him when I consider his quarterback is a far cry from Tom Brady, Randall Cunningham or Daunte Culpepper in his prime.
4. Any Oakland Raiders Offensive Player: I'm not hating. Not in the least. In fact, I almost always find myself rooting for the Raiders when they're on television - which is almost never since selling out Raider games is about as common as Kim Kardashian displaying humility. Ok, now I'm hating. Seriously, there is nobody on the Raiders I can imagine myself drafting. Their wide receivers are inconsistent, Carson Palmer is the posterboy for mediocrity, they forgot how to use the TE position and don't even get me started on Darren McInjured.
5. Austin Collie, Indianapolis Colts, WR: Collie probably ranks as one of my favorite Colts of all-time. He's guts personified. Unfortunately, he's also concussions personified. Collie has suffered four serious concussions over the past 21 months which is a serious headache for fantasy owners. Chances are, he won't even get drafted in any of the fantasy leagues I'm in due to the perception that the Colts offense will struggle with a rookie quarterback. Still, I'd take my chances elsewhere.
6. Fred Jackson, Buffalo Bills, RB: Quick. Guess how old Fred Jackson is? Would you have guessed 32 years old this Feburary? In running back years that's freaking ancient. In fact, most rushers get put down before their 30th birthday. The argument for Jackson is that "he doesn't have a lot of miles" on his legs since he's only been playing in the NFL since 2006. Well, that may be true, but he was playing professional football for three years before taking snaps with Buffalo. The way I look at it, 32 year-old legs are still old and I'm not taking my chances on a guy who has far less football ahead of him than behind him.
7. Ryan Mathews, San Diego Chargers, RB: His third year in the NFL and he still hasn't been able to shake the injury bug. In fact, one carry into his 2012 preseason he busted his collarbone. Fragile much? Considering the guy is still being drafted somewhere in the first three rounds of most drafts, there's no way in hell I'm taking an injury prone rusher who has never once had an elite season as early as he's been going.
8. Rashad Jennings or Maurice Jones-Drew, Jacksonville Jaguars, RB: Holdouts rarely end well for fantasy running backs. Remember last season when Chris Johnson held out up until the very start of the 2011 season? That's usually how holdouts work for rushers. You hold out, miss valuable time in camp, get a bit lethargic and fail to get into a rhythm. While Rashad Jennings might be starting now, he won't be once MJD comes back and he WILL come back at some point. When he does, Jennings will be rendered useless. I'll let some other fantasy owner deal with that headache.
9. DeSean Jackson, Philadelphia Eagles, WR: Another Eagle makes the list and again it's one that I used to own and got burned by in 2011. In a contract year figured Jackson would light the sky with touchdowns in 2011. To say he failed to meet expectations would be an understatement. Jackson finished the year with 961 receiving yards and a measly four touchdowns. Thanks for nothing. Jackson is like a poor man's version of Michael Irvin. Flashy and at times very dynamic but a far cry from a superstar like Irvin.
10. Matt Forte, Chicago Bears, RB: Two words...Michael Bush.
Greg's Top Ten Current Players I Will NOT Be Drafting this Weekend:
1. Michael Vick, Philadelphia Eagles, QB: Drank this juice last year and there's no way in hell I'm going to drink it again after the indigestion it caused me. Every single time Vick took the field, when he took the field, I feared for
his safety. It's almost like there's a cult of dogs somewhere poking needles into a Michael Vick voodoo doll. When you scramble out of the pocket and use your legs to gain yards, learn how to slide, Michael.
2. Reggie Bush, Miami Dolphins, RB: It's not that I don't like Reggie Bush, it's more about the team he plays for that bothers me. If there was ever a team in line for the Matt Barkley sweepstakes, it's the Miami Dolphins. I can't imagine Reggie Bush will emerge as a powerhouse rusher with so little talent surrounding him.
3. Randy Moss, San Francisco 49ers, WR: I'm just not buying it. In fact, I'm a bit surprised he didn't get cut this past week considering how little he did during the preseason. Of course, I'm sure coach Jim Harbaugh doesn't want to tip his hand in the preseason, but I still wouldn't draft him when I consider his quarterback is a far cry from Tom Brady, Randall Cunningham or Daunte Culpepper in his prime.
4. Any Oakland Raiders Offensive Player: I'm not hating. Not in the least. In fact, I almost always find myself rooting for the Raiders when they're on television - which is almost never since selling out Raider games is about as common as Kim Kardashian displaying humility. Ok, now I'm hating. Seriously, there is nobody on the Raiders I can imagine myself drafting. Their wide receivers are inconsistent, Carson Palmer is the posterboy for mediocrity, they forgot how to use the TE position and don't even get me started on Darren McInjured.
5. Austin Collie, Indianapolis Colts, WR: Collie probably ranks as one of my favorite Colts of all-time. He's guts personified. Unfortunately, he's also concussions personified. Collie has suffered four serious concussions over the past 21 months which is a serious headache for fantasy owners. Chances are, he won't even get drafted in any of the fantasy leagues I'm in due to the perception that the Colts offense will struggle with a rookie quarterback. Still, I'd take my chances elsewhere.
6. Fred Jackson, Buffalo Bills, RB: Quick. Guess how old Fred Jackson is? Would you have guessed 32 years old this Feburary? In running back years that's freaking ancient. In fact, most rushers get put down before their 30th birthday. The argument for Jackson is that "he doesn't have a lot of miles" on his legs since he's only been playing in the NFL since 2006. Well, that may be true, but he was playing professional football for three years before taking snaps with Buffalo. The way I look at it, 32 year-old legs are still old and I'm not taking my chances on a guy who has far less football ahead of him than behind him.
7. Ryan Mathews, San Diego Chargers, RB: His third year in the NFL and he still hasn't been able to shake the injury bug. In fact, one carry into his 2012 preseason he busted his collarbone. Fragile much? Considering the guy is still being drafted somewhere in the first three rounds of most drafts, there's no way in hell I'm taking an injury prone rusher who has never once had an elite season as early as he's been going.
8. Rashad Jennings or Maurice Jones-Drew, Jacksonville Jaguars, RB: Holdouts rarely end well for fantasy running backs. Remember last season when Chris Johnson held out up until the very start of the 2011 season? That's usually how holdouts work for rushers. You hold out, miss valuable time in camp, get a bit lethargic and fail to get into a rhythm. While Rashad Jennings might be starting now, he won't be once MJD comes back and he WILL come back at some point. When he does, Jennings will be rendered useless. I'll let some other fantasy owner deal with that headache.
9. DeSean Jackson, Philadelphia Eagles, WR: Another Eagle makes the list and again it's one that I used to own and got burned by in 2011. In a contract year figured Jackson would light the sky with touchdowns in 2011. To say he failed to meet expectations would be an understatement. Jackson finished the year with 961 receiving yards and a measly four touchdowns. Thanks for nothing. Jackson is like a poor man's version of Michael Irvin. Flashy and at times very dynamic but a far cry from a superstar like Irvin.
10. Matt Forte, Chicago Bears, RB: Two words...Michael Bush.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
August 25, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Predictions For Today's Colts vs. Redskins Game:
1. Pierre Garçon leads the Redskins in pass receptions.
2. Andrew Luck leads the Colts 1st team offense to four scoring drives
3. RGIII gets sacked twice
4. One of the sacks will come from Dwight Freeney
5. T.Y. Hilton will score his first NFL touchdown for the Colts
6. No Redskins running back will score a rushing TD
7. Colts rusher Donald Brown will score for the 3rd straight game
8. RGIII will turn the ball over at least once
9. Redskins backup QB Kirk Cousins will outscore Colts backup Chandler Harnish
10. Colts win 38-33
Greg's Top Ten Predictions For Today's Colts vs. Redskins Game:
1. Pierre Garçon leads the Redskins in pass receptions.
2. Andrew Luck leads the Colts 1st team offense to four scoring drives
3. RGIII gets sacked twice
4. One of the sacks will come from Dwight Freeney
5. T.Y. Hilton will score his first NFL touchdown for the Colts
6. No Redskins running back will score a rushing TD
7. Colts rusher Donald Brown will score for the 3rd straight game
8. RGIII will turn the ball over at least once
9. Redskins backup QB Kirk Cousins will outscore Colts backup Chandler Harnish
10. Colts win 38-33
Sunday, August 19, 2012
August 17, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Favorite One Hit Wonders
1. Return of the Mack - Mark Morrison
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uB1D9wWxd2w
2. Baby Love - Regina
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdYE02iRWZQ
3. She Blinded Me With Science - Thomas Dolby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1p6fTDGLHGQ
4. Your Love - The Outfield
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N1iwQxiHrs
5. No Easy Way Out - Robert Tepper (Rocky IV, FTW!!!!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwPb7g_BlXQ
6. Wouldn't It Be Good - Nik Kershaw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIBzbdo2LjU
7. Too Shy - Kajagoogoo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKWbMJOIkUk
8. Stay the Night - Benjamin Orr (bassist for The Cars)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9bNSzMdxgk
9. Axel F - Harold Faltermeyer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Le1z9HOY5Ss
10. Six Underground - Sneaker Pimps
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eBZqmL8ehg
Greg's Top Ten Favorite One Hit Wonders
1. Return of the Mack - Mark Morrison
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uB1D9wWxd2w
2. Baby Love - Regina
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdYE02iRWZQ
3. She Blinded Me With Science - Thomas Dolby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1p6fTDGLHGQ
4. Your Love - The Outfield
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N1iwQxiHrs
5. No Easy Way Out - Robert Tepper (Rocky IV, FTW!!!!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwPb7g_BlXQ
6. Wouldn't It Be Good - Nik Kershaw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIBzbdo2LjU
7. Too Shy - Kajagoogoo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKWbMJOIkUk
8. Stay the Night - Benjamin Orr (bassist for The Cars)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9bNSzMdxgk
9. Axel F - Harold Faltermeyer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Le1z9HOY5Ss
10. Six Underground - Sneaker Pimps
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eBZqmL8ehg
August 15, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Random Facts About Joe Namath:
1. Of all the modern era quarterbacks in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, Namath has the worst TD to INT ratio of any quarterback (173 TD to 220 INT)
2. Only two modern era quarterbacks in the Pro Football Hall of Fame have more interceptions than touchdowns besides
Namath (Y.A. Tittle & George Blanda)
3. Since the AFL/NFL merger in 1970, Namath never once threw more touchdowns than he did interceptions in a single season.
4. Joe Namath completed 50.1% of his passes lifetime.
5. Joe Namath was 2-1 in postseason play.
6. His lifetime quarterback rating in the regular season was 65.5 and his postseason quarterback rating was 54.6.
7. Namath won Super Bowl MVP in Super Bowl 3 despite not throwing a single TD pass in the game.
8. He was drafted by the AFL's NY Jets and the NFL's St. Louis Rams in 1965, but signed with the Jets when they offered him the richest contract in Pro Football history ($400,000).
9. Joe Namath led the league in turnovers four times (1966,1967,1974 & 1975)
10. Joe Namath was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1985. God knows why.
Greg's Top Ten Random Facts About Joe Namath:
1. Of all the modern era quarterbacks in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, Namath has the worst TD to INT ratio of any quarterback (173 TD to 220 INT)
2. Only two modern era quarterbacks in the Pro Football Hall of Fame have more interceptions than touchdowns besides
Namath (Y.A. Tittle & George Blanda)
3. Since the AFL/NFL merger in 1970, Namath never once threw more touchdowns than he did interceptions in a single season.
4. Joe Namath completed 50.1% of his passes lifetime.
5. Joe Namath was 2-1 in postseason play.
6. His lifetime quarterback rating in the regular season was 65.5 and his postseason quarterback rating was 54.6.
7. Namath won Super Bowl MVP in Super Bowl 3 despite not throwing a single TD pass in the game.
8. He was drafted by the AFL's NY Jets and the NFL's St. Louis Rams in 1965, but signed with the Jets when they offered him the richest contract in Pro Football history ($400,000).
9. Joe Namath led the league in turnovers four times (1966,1967,1974 & 1975)
10. Joe Namath was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1985. God knows why.
August 11, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Favorite Olympic Movies:
1. Miracle
2. Cool Runnings
3. Munich
4. Chariots of Fire
5. Prefontaine
6. Downhill Racer
7. Personal Best
8. Without Limits
9. American Anthem (terrible movie with Olympic champion Mitch Gaylord but a total guilty pleasure)
10. Blades of Glory (probably Will Ferrell's last funny movie)
Greg's Top Ten Favorite Olympic Movies:
1. Miracle
2. Cool Runnings
3. Munich
4. Chariots of Fire
5. Prefontaine
6. Downhill Racer
7. Personal Best
8. Without Limits
9. American Anthem (terrible movie with Olympic champion Mitch Gaylord but a total guilty pleasure)
10. Blades of Glory (probably Will Ferrell's last funny movie)
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
August 8, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Duran Duran B-Sides:
1. Khanada (B-side to Careless Memories)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8Uv2mCU9LQ
2. Falling Angel (B-side to Come Undone)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZz-pcDQgSE
3. Secret Oktober (B-side to Union of the Snake)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYFeT5UPGj0
4. Late Bar (B-side to Planet Earth)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iy0vHaaRh4
5. Faster Than Light (B-side to Girls on Film)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l37vveLBRGw
6. Fame (2nd B-side to Careless Memories)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIgmB4_VU1E
7. The Needle and the Damage Done (B-side to Perfect Day) acoustic Neil Young cover
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyQ6kSPXl8I
8. Faith in this Colour (faster version) (B-side to Is There Something I Should Know?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KMNHxOJsUY
9. Come Up and See Me (Make me Smile) (B-side to The Reflex)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plVuh0NooOc
10. I Believe/All I Need to Know (B-side to All She Wants Is)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uExZszFt-3I
Greg's Top Ten Duran Duran B-Sides:
1. Khanada (B-side to Careless Memories)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8Uv2mCU9LQ
2. Falling Angel (B-side to Come Undone)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZz-pcDQgSE
3. Secret Oktober (B-side to Union of the Snake)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYFeT5UPGj0
4. Late Bar (B-side to Planet Earth)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iy0vHaaRh4
5. Faster Than Light (B-side to Girls on Film)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l37vveLBRGw
6. Fame (2nd B-side to Careless Memories)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIgmB4_VU1E
7. The Needle and the Damage Done (B-side to Perfect Day) acoustic Neil Young cover
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyQ6kSPXl8I
8. Faith in this Colour (faster version) (B-side to Is There Something I Should Know?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KMNHxOJsUY
9. Come Up and See Me (Make me Smile) (B-side to The Reflex)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plVuh0NooOc
10. I Believe/All I Need to Know (B-side to All She Wants Is)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uExZszFt-3I
August 7, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Songs I'm Binging On Right Now:
1. Wrapped Around Your Finger - The Police
2. D.J. - David Bowie
3. Thieves Like Us - New Order
4. Fortress Around Your Heart - Sting
5. Human - Human League (love the new commercial it's featured in!)
6. Synchronicity II - The Police
7. Alive and Kicking - Simple Minds
8. Lost Planes - The Fixx
9. Self Control - Laura Branigan
10. Human Nature - Michael Jackson
Greg's Top Ten Songs I'm Binging On Right Now:
1. Wrapped Around Your Finger - The Police
2. D.J. - David Bowie
3. Thieves Like Us - New Order
4. Fortress Around Your Heart - Sting
5. Human - Human League (love the new commercial it's featured in!)
6. Synchronicity II - The Police
7. Alive and Kicking - Simple Minds
8. Lost Planes - The Fixx
9. Self Control - Laura Branigan
10. Human Nature - Michael Jackson
August 3, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Favorite Pop/Rock Songs of the Past Ten Years:
1. Duran Duran - Girl Panic! (obviously ;) )
2. Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body
3. Gorillaz - Dare
4. The Killers - Mr. Brightside
5. The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
6. Rock n Roll Train - AC/DC
7. The Darkness - I Believe In a Thing Called Love
8. Jimmy Eat World - The Middle
9. Eminem - Stan
10. Weezer - Beverly Hills
Greg's Top Ten Favorite Pop/Rock Songs of the Past Ten Years:
1. Duran Duran - Girl Panic! (obviously ;) )
2. Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body
3. Gorillaz - Dare
4. The Killers - Mr. Brightside
5. The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
6. Rock n Roll Train - AC/DC
7. The Darkness - I Believe In a Thing Called Love
8. Jimmy Eat World - The Middle
9. Eminem - Stan
10. Weezer - Beverly Hills
Saturday, July 28, 2012
July 27, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Players Who Have Screwed Me Over in Fantasy Football (in no particular order):
1. Phillip Rivers: Thanks for turning the ball over 30 times last year, you piece of crap. I traded up in last year's draft to take this idiot and he rewards me with one of the most disappointing fantasy seasons in recent memory. With my luck, the little prick will have a bounce back year this season and throw 40 touchdowns. May Richard Seymour sit and fart on you from underneath the pile, you rotten bastard.
2. DeSean Jackson: So much for having a great season with a contract on the line. You were about as effective as rubbing sandpaper on a rash. I traded him away for Reggie Bush and a future draft pick last year only to laugh as I watched Bush outplay Jackson for the remainder of the season. Wow, DeFraud, you were outplayed by Reggie freaking Bush.
3. & 4. Tom Brady & Randy Moss: In 2007, I probably had the perfect fantasy football team...until week 15 when they played the New York Jets. Honestly, guys, how do you score an unprecedented number of TDs for the entire season and then manage to score zero the week I needed you the most - the fantasy playoffs. Just another reason for me to hate Patriots.
5. Ron Dayne: I drank your juice one too many times. The most recent, and final, was in 2006 when he was running wild towards the end of the season. Dayne tore off four straight games with either 90 yards rushing at at least one touchdown. So, I do what any normal owner would do...keep starting him. Final week of the fantasy season he's due to play the lowly Browns. His stats for the day: 1 start, 0 rushing yards on 0 attempts. Right after the game began and he was slated to start, his intestinal fortitude got injured and he never saw the field. Thanks for the goose egg, fucknut. Your contribution to my score that day probably is representative of your body type these days - a big round zero.
6. Kelly Holcomb: Who, you ask? Oh, just some guy who had one of the most improbable runs in football during the 2002 season that culminated with a 400-yard 3 touchdown game against the gritty Steleers on the road during the playoffs. I bought it and drafted him as my starter in 2003, thinking if he can put together such numbers against top talent in the playoffs, he's gonna continue to thrive. Not so much. 10 TDs and 12 Interceptions on the year and he pretty much drowned any hope of me making the playoffs in '03.
7. Willis McGahee: In 2006 I made him my top pick after he posted 13 scores two years before and had a career high 1,247 yards the previous year. I'm thinking this is a no-brainer, right? My reward, a sub 1,000 yard season and a measly six scores - which doesn't even match the number of kids he's allegedly fathered (9). No he's not Mormon, just really friggin' stupid. Nine kids with eight different women. Class act, Willis.
8. Bill Polian & 9. Jim Irsay: I can't very well blame Peyton Manning for missing the season but I can blame these two guys for leading me to believe he'd be playing by week 3 next season as they alluded to before the 2011 season was underway. I took a flier on Peyton last year figuring I could deal with him missing a few games if the price was right. The price was wrong. Instead of having Peyton as my quarterback I had to enjoy the lovely combination of Rex Grossman, Curtis Painter and Ryan Fitzpatrick. Yeah, that turned out well. Speaking of Peyton...
10. Peyton Hillis: White Rhino my ass. More like the Great White Hype. John Riggins and Mike Alstott nearly had better fantasy seasons than Hillis did last year and they've both been retired for quite some time.
1. Phillip Rivers: Thanks for turning the ball over 30 times last year, you piece of crap. I traded up in last year's draft to take this idiot and he rewards me with one of the most disappointing fantasy seasons in recent memory. With my luck, the little prick will have a bounce back year this season and throw 40 touchdowns. May Richard Seymour sit and fart on you from underneath the pile, you rotten bastard.
2. DeSean Jackson: So much for having a great season with a contract on the line. You were about as effective as rubbing sandpaper on a rash. I traded him away for Reggie Bush and a future draft pick last year only to laugh as I watched Bush outplay Jackson for the remainder of the season. Wow, DeFraud, you were outplayed by Reggie freaking Bush.
3. & 4. Tom Brady & Randy Moss: In 2007, I probably had the perfect fantasy football team...until week 15 when they played the New York Jets. Honestly, guys, how do you score an unprecedented number of TDs for the entire season and then manage to score zero the week I needed you the most - the fantasy playoffs. Just another reason for me to hate Patriots.
5. Ron Dayne: I drank your juice one too many times. The most recent, and final, was in 2006 when he was running wild towards the end of the season. Dayne tore off four straight games with either 90 yards rushing at at least one touchdown. So, I do what any normal owner would do...keep starting him. Final week of the fantasy season he's due to play the lowly Browns. His stats for the day: 1 start, 0 rushing yards on 0 attempts. Right after the game began and he was slated to start, his intestinal fortitude got injured and he never saw the field. Thanks for the goose egg, fucknut. Your contribution to my score that day probably is representative of your body type these days - a big round zero.
6. Kelly Holcomb: Who, you ask? Oh, just some guy who had one of the most improbable runs in football during the 2002 season that culminated with a 400-yard 3 touchdown game against the gritty Steleers on the road during the playoffs. I bought it and drafted him as my starter in 2003, thinking if he can put together such numbers against top talent in the playoffs, he's gonna continue to thrive. Not so much. 10 TDs and 12 Interceptions on the year and he pretty much drowned any hope of me making the playoffs in '03.
7. Willis McGahee: In 2006 I made him my top pick after he posted 13 scores two years before and had a career high 1,247 yards the previous year. I'm thinking this is a no-brainer, right? My reward, a sub 1,000 yard season and a measly six scores - which doesn't even match the number of kids he's allegedly fathered (9). No he's not Mormon, just really friggin' stupid. Nine kids with eight different women. Class act, Willis.
8. Bill Polian & 9. Jim Irsay: I can't very well blame Peyton Manning for missing the season but I can blame these two guys for leading me to believe he'd be playing by week 3 next season as they alluded to before the 2011 season was underway. I took a flier on Peyton last year figuring I could deal with him missing a few games if the price was right. The price was wrong. Instead of having Peyton as my quarterback I had to enjoy the lovely combination of Rex Grossman, Curtis Painter and Ryan Fitzpatrick. Yeah, that turned out well. Speaking of Peyton...
10. Peyton Hillis: White Rhino my ass. More like the Great White Hype. John Riggins and Mike Alstott nearly had better fantasy seasons than Hillis did last year and they've both been retired for quite some time.
July 21, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Favorite Robin Williams Movies:
1. Good Will Hunting
2. Good Morning Vietnam
3. Mrs. Doubtfire
4. Dead Poets Society
5. Hook (total guilty pleasure)
6. Insomnia
7. The Survivors
8. The Fisher King
9. Nine Months
10. Club Paradise (horrible movie, but can't turn it off when it's on)
Greg's Top Ten Favorite Robin Williams Movies:
1. Good Will Hunting
2. Good Morning Vietnam
3. Mrs. Doubtfire
4. Dead Poets Society
5. Hook (total guilty pleasure)
6. Insomnia
7. The Survivors
8. The Fisher King
9. Nine Months
10. Club Paradise (horrible movie, but can't turn it off when it's on)
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
July 15, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Reasons Why John Mackey is Freaking Awesome:
1. Because when he enjoys an alcoholic beverage at Double D's, he doesn't mess around with frilly bullshit.
2. Because he doesn't put up with Mike Bassi's crap
3. Because he's a teacher and you probably aren't
4. Because he shares the same name as a Baltimore Colts Hall of Famer
5. Because The Muppet Show was his favorite television prog...ram
6. Because he's a Giants fan
7. Because when Matt Cain pitched his perfect game, he told Amy G. "But I'm still not as awesome as John Mackey"
8. Because he shares a birthday with AC/DC's Angus Young
9. Because I hear he's one hell of a great coach
10. Because he said I'd swim with the fishes if I didn't write this list
Greg's Top Ten Reasons Why John Mackey is Freaking Awesome:
1. Because when he enjoys an alcoholic beverage at Double D's, he doesn't mess around with frilly bullshit.
2. Because he doesn't put up with Mike Bassi's crap
3. Because he's a teacher and you probably aren't
4. Because he shares the same name as a Baltimore Colts Hall of Famer
5. Because The Muppet Show was his favorite television prog...ram
6. Because he's a Giants fan
7. Because when Matt Cain pitched his perfect game, he told Amy G. "But I'm still not as awesome as John Mackey"
8. Because he shares a birthday with AC/DC's Angus Young
9. Because I hear he's one hell of a great coach
10. Because he said I'd swim with the fishes if I didn't write this list
Saturday, July 14, 2012
July 14, 2012
Greg's Top Ten All-Time UCLA Bruins in the NFL
1. Jonathan Ogden, OT, Ravens 1996-2007
2. Troy Aikman, QB, Cowboys 1989-2000
3. Tom Fears, WR, Rams 1948-1956
4. Jimmy Johnson, CB, 49ers 1961-1976
5. Bob Waterfield, QB, Rams 1945-1952
6. Kenny Easley, S, Seahawks 1981-1987
7. Maurice Jones-Drew, RB, Jaguars 2006-Present
8. Randy Cross, C, 49ers 1976-1988
9. Freeman McNeil, RB, Jets, 1981-1992
10. Donnie Edwards, LB, Chiefs, 1996-2001, 2007-2009, Chargers 2002-2006
Greg's Top Ten All-Time UCLA Bruins in the NFL
1. Jonathan Ogden, OT, Ravens 1996-2007
2. Troy Aikman, QB, Cowboys 1989-2000
3. Tom Fears, WR, Rams 1948-1956
4. Jimmy Johnson, CB, 49ers 1961-1976
5. Bob Waterfield, QB, Rams 1945-1952
6. Kenny Easley, S, Seahawks 1981-1987
7. Maurice Jones-Drew, RB, Jaguars 2006-Present
8. Randy Cross, C, 49ers 1976-1988
9. Freeman McNeil, RB, Jets, 1981-1992
10. Donnie Edwards, LB, Chiefs, 1996-2001, 2007-2009, Chargers 2002-2006
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Friday, July 6, 2012
July 6, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Favorite Album Cover Art
1. Van Halen - 1984: The famous cover was created by obscure graphic artist Margo Nahas who had originally been asked to create a cover featuring four chrome women. While browsing Nahas' portfolio the boys from Van Halen came across the now famous angel painting and decided it was their favorite. The kid who was the model for the piece was Carter Helm - the child of one of Margo's friends.
http://onealbumeveryday.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/1984.jpg
Here's the original picture of Carter Helm that became the cover art for Van Halen's 1984:
http://www.feelnumb.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Van-Halen-1984-Angel-Margo-Nahas.jpg
2. Duran Duran - Rio: You just knew this had to make the cut on my list of top album covers. It's the iconic album cover of the 1980s featuring one of the most prominent artists of the decade - the late Patrick Nagel. Interestingly enough, Duran Duran had chosen a different Nagel piece for the cover of Rio before eventually choosing the cover below:
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51HaLUBfp-L._SL500_AA300_.jpg
For your satisfaction, the original album cover Duran Duran had chosen:
Duran Duran - Rio (Alternate Cover)
http://images.wikia.com/duranduran/images/d/dc/AlternateRioalbumcover.jpg
3. The Cars - Candy-O: Alberto Vargas drew up the popular cover art for The Cars 1979 record "Candy-O" which would be a multi-platinum smash. Vargas was known for pieces that ended up on the noses of World War II aircrafts. It's easy to see how his particular piece might have found its way onto a bomber heading overseas:
http://ginavivinetto.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/the-cars-candy-o1.jpg?w=538
4. Iron Maiden - Killers: IT'S EDDIE!!! Iron Maiden's beloved mascot has made his way onto all of their albums and singles ever since he debuted as a simple kabuki head above the drum riser during their early tours in 1975. His appearance on their second album "Killers" is by far my all-time favorite Eddie cover. It just screams terror and is the perfect representation of their fierce metal sound.
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/61iuaWquQdL.jpg
5a. Deborah Harry - Koo Koo: Both this record and the record featured below on 5b were drawn by Swiss surrealist painter, sculptor and designer H.R. Giger, who is probably best known for being the inspiration for many of the sets in the movie Alien. In fact, Giger won the Academy Award for Best Achievement in Visual Effects for his work on Alien. I've always been a huge fan of surrealism and aside from Salvador Dali, there's nobody who's work I admire more than Giger's.
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS_6P3H_rvRtRoU1b5zJ6xktgxIFpNgyFnKzAoIowLISbObmxXtXmzl63v93bd0gg-cemHPUBcELHNo8-jfQCFsd39qHHkN-X_6nKuAfuhYqVJPaYIcfPAicboXfnzn6s9AFmISqQS7JyS/s1600/kookoo.jpg
5b. Emerson Lake & Palmer - Brain Salad Surgery
http://onealbumeveryday.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/1984.jpg
Here's the original picture of Carter Helm that became the cover art for Van Halen's 1984:
http://www.feelnumb.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Van-Halen-1984-Angel-Margo-Nahas.jpg
2. Duran Duran - Rio: You just knew this had to make the cut on my list of top album covers. It's the iconic album cover of the 1980s featuring one of the most prominent artists of the decade - the late Patrick Nagel. Interestingly enough, Duran Duran had chosen a different Nagel piece for the cover of Rio before eventually choosing the cover below:
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51HaLUBfp-L._SL500_AA300_.jpg
For your satisfaction, the original album cover Duran Duran had chosen:
Duran Duran - Rio (Alternate Cover)
http://images.wikia.com/duranduran/images/d/dc/AlternateRioalbumcover.jpg
3. The Cars - Candy-O: Alberto Vargas drew up the popular cover art for The Cars 1979 record "Candy-O" which would be a multi-platinum smash. Vargas was known for pieces that ended up on the noses of World War II aircrafts. It's easy to see how his particular piece might have found its way onto a bomber heading overseas:
http://ginavivinetto.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/the-cars-candy-o1.jpg?w=538
4. Iron Maiden - Killers: IT'S EDDIE!!! Iron Maiden's beloved mascot has made his way onto all of their albums and singles ever since he debuted as a simple kabuki head above the drum riser during their early tours in 1975. His appearance on their second album "Killers" is by far my all-time favorite Eddie cover. It just screams terror and is the perfect representation of their fierce metal sound.
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/61iuaWquQdL.jpg
5a. Deborah Harry - Koo Koo: Both this record and the record featured below on 5b were drawn by Swiss surrealist painter, sculptor and designer H.R. Giger, who is probably best known for being the inspiration for many of the sets in the movie Alien. In fact, Giger won the Academy Award for Best Achievement in Visual Effects for his work on Alien. I've always been a huge fan of surrealism and aside from Salvador Dali, there's nobody who's work I admire more than Giger's.
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS_6P3H_rvRtRoU1b5zJ6xktgxIFpNgyFnKzAoIowLISbObmxXtXmzl63v93bd0gg-cemHPUBcELHNo8-jfQCFsd39qHHkN-X_6nKuAfuhYqVJPaYIcfPAicboXfnzn6s9AFmISqQS7JyS/s1600/kookoo.jpg
5b. Emerson Lake & Palmer - Brain Salad Surgery
http://image.lyricspond.com/image/l/artist-lake-palmer-emerson/album-brain-salad-surgery/cd-cover.jpg
6. Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon: The iconic cover art is probably the most widely recognized album of all time. Even your mother knows who's album art this belongs to. The cover represents three elements: the band's stage lighting, the album lyrics and keyboardist Richard Wright's request for a "simple and bold" design.
http://www.allaccess.com/assets/img/editorial/raw/da/darksideofthemoon.jpg
7. Beastie Boys - License to Ill: I had to place this cover on my list. I simply wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't. It's without a doubt the first album cover I was enamored with as a kid. It took me forever to figure out that the numbers and letters on the side of the plane's hull spelled out "EATME" when spelled backwards. The band's logo is also a loose translation of the Harley Davidson logo. When the album's gatefold is opened up it reveals the plane crashed into the side of a mountain.
http://img.listal.com/image/1579716/600full-licensed-to-ill-cover.jpg
The gatefold version of the album, revealing the crash:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Kt1eZPDsPJo/T6Q3jaePW2I/AAAAAAAABYw/yphR27eRlzk/s1600/lti.png
8. Metallica - Master of Puppets: The original 17" x 17" piece by artist Don Brautigam sold on Ebay a short while ago for a cool $7,000 after Megaforce record label founders Jon and Marsh Zazula decided to part with the masterpiece.
http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/uponsun/assets_c/2011/03/master-of-puppets-thumb-500x500.jpg
9. Aerosmith - Draw the Line: No question about it, the first artist I became attached to when I was kid was Al Hisrchfeld. He had a knack for making charicatures of everybody from Frank Sinatra to Buster Keaton. If you look closely, he always made sure his daughter's name "Nina" made it into most every single piece since her birth in 1945.
http://www.recordrevolution.com/sites/default/files/album_covers/album-draw-the-line.jpg
The name Nina is hidden where the hair of Tom Hamilton (bottom left) and Brad Whitford (bottom right) intersect:
http://www.shugarecords.com/images/products/large/bcb1cc4b-479c-4125-8340-e38b00508f0a-0.JPG
10. Supertramp - Breakfast in America: A waitress disguised as the Statue of Liberty, the city skyline is made up of cups, plates and other pieces of diner hardware and the waitress vaguely resembles the outfit Arnold Schwarzenegger was wearing in Total Recall. What's not to love?
http://cover7.cduniverse.com/MuzeAudioArt/Large/80/148480.jpg
6. Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon: The iconic cover art is probably the most widely recognized album of all time. Even your mother knows who's album art this belongs to. The cover represents three elements: the band's stage lighting, the album lyrics and keyboardist Richard Wright's request for a "simple and bold" design.
http://www.allaccess.com/assets/img/editorial/raw/da/darksideofthemoon.jpg
7. Beastie Boys - License to Ill: I had to place this cover on my list. I simply wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't. It's without a doubt the first album cover I was enamored with as a kid. It took me forever to figure out that the numbers and letters on the side of the plane's hull spelled out "EATME" when spelled backwards. The band's logo is also a loose translation of the Harley Davidson logo. When the album's gatefold is opened up it reveals the plane crashed into the side of a mountain.
http://img.listal.com/image/1579716/600full-licensed-to-ill-cover.jpg
The gatefold version of the album, revealing the crash:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Kt1eZPDsPJo/T6Q3jaePW2I/AAAAAAAABYw/yphR27eRlzk/s1600/lti.png
8. Metallica - Master of Puppets: The original 17" x 17" piece by artist Don Brautigam sold on Ebay a short while ago for a cool $7,000 after Megaforce record label founders Jon and Marsh Zazula decided to part with the masterpiece.
http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/uponsun/assets_c/2011/03/master-of-puppets-thumb-500x500.jpg
9. Aerosmith - Draw the Line: No question about it, the first artist I became attached to when I was kid was Al Hisrchfeld. He had a knack for making charicatures of everybody from Frank Sinatra to Buster Keaton. If you look closely, he always made sure his daughter's name "Nina" made it into most every single piece since her birth in 1945.
http://www.recordrevolution.com/sites/default/files/album_covers/album-draw-the-line.jpg
The name Nina is hidden where the hair of Tom Hamilton (bottom left) and Brad Whitford (bottom right) intersect:
http://www.shugarecords.com/images/products/large/bcb1cc4b-479c-4125-8340-e38b00508f0a-0.JPG
10. Supertramp - Breakfast in America: A waitress disguised as the Statue of Liberty, the city skyline is made up of cups, plates and other pieces of diner hardware and the waitress vaguely resembles the outfit Arnold Schwarzenegger was wearing in Total Recall. What's not to love?
http://cover7.cduniverse.com/MuzeAudioArt/Large/80/148480.jpg
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
June 29, 2012
1. Warren Moon, QB, Houston Oilers, Minnesota Vikings, Seattle Seahawks, K.C. Chiefs
2. Kurt Warner, QB, St. Louis Rams, N.Y. Giants, Arizona Cardinals
3. Dick "Night Train" Lane, DB, L.A. Rams, Chicago Cardinals, Detroit Lions
4. Jim Otto, C, Oakland Raiders
5. Emlen Tunnell, S, N.Y. Giants, Green Bay Packers
6. Willie Brown, CB, Denver Broncos, Oakland Raiders
7. John Randle, DT, Minnesota Vikings, Seattle Seahawks
8. Antonio Gates, TE, San Diego Chargers
9. Larry Little, G, San Diego Chargers, Miami Dolphins
10. Wes Welker, WR, San Diego Chargers, Miami Dolphins, New England Patriots
Thursday, June 28, 2012
June 27, 2012
Greg's Top Top Actors I Wish Would Make Comebacks*:
*And I'm not talking about actors who make awful movies like Mel Gibson, Eddie Murphy or Val Kilmer. I'm talking about actors who rarely act in movies anymore or are in retirement.
1. Gene Wilder
2. Gene Hackman
3. Sean Connery
4. Kevin Kline
5. Joe Pesci
6. Rick Moranis
7. Emilio Estevez
8. Michael Keaton
9. Kurt Russell
10. Sidney Poitier
Greg's Top Top Actors I Wish Would Make Comebacks*:
*And I'm not talking about actors who make awful movies like Mel Gibson, Eddie Murphy or Val Kilmer. I'm talking about actors who rarely act in movies anymore or are in retirement.
1. Gene Wilder
2. Gene Hackman
3. Sean Connery
4. Kevin Kline
5. Joe Pesci
6. Rick Moranis
7. Emilio Estevez
8. Michael Keaton
9. Kurt Russell
10. Sidney Poitier
Monday, June 25, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
June 23, 2012
Ten Random Factoids From "I Want My MTV" (5 Today, 5 Yesterday)
6. David Fincher Got His Start on MTV: Today, director David Fincher is best known for helming cinematic gems like Fight Club, Se7en and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. However, years before Fincher began working behind the camera as a Hollywood icon he was cutting his teeth as a music video director. His first video was Rick Springfield’s “Bop ‘Til You Drop” in 1984, which can only be described as very Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLnu8SzOGfs
However, it would be incredibly memorable videos like Aerosmith’s “Janie’s Got a Gun”, Billy Idol’s “Cradle of Love” and Madonna’s “Vogue” and “Bad Girl” that would propel Fincher to superstardom and launch a highly successful directing career. His work behind the camera on “Freedom 90” by George Michael helped start a trend of using supermodels in music videos that still gets copied by a multitude of artists today.
7. Michael Jackson’s brother Jackie Launches the Career of a Future Star with an Affair: A short time after Michael Jackson released the immensely successful “Thriller” album in 1982, Jackson clan father Joe Jackson got the five less famous Jackson brothers back together with Michael to form The Jacksons and release the record “Victory” in 1984. For the second single “Torture” choreographer and Billy Idol beau Perri Lister was set to choreograph the video. That didn’t sit well with Jackie Jackson, who was cheating on his then-wife Enid with the woman who he insisted get the choreographer gig instead. That woman was former American Idol judge Paula Abdul. So, I guess there is something to be said for sleeping your way to the top. Of course, I’m sure she had no idea Jackie was married to someone for ten years at that point, right?
8. Sinead O’Connor Weeps: I have never been a Sinead O’Connor fan, but I have to admit that this story is pretty damn incredible, even if a bit heartbreaking. Most all of us know the video for the song “Nothing Compares 2 U” which won Video of the Year at the MTV Video Music Awards in 1990. The video took home 3 VMAs that year and is probably best known for the end of the video when at 3:40 into the song she begins shedding quite a few tears just after singing the lyric “All the flowers that you planted, mama, in the back yard/all died when you went away.” The moment was so powerful because the video came off as so genuine and emotionally powerful. The truth is, O’Connor’s mother died shortly before the video was shot...in one take. The take you see in the video where she’s balling is the one that was used and every tear was as genuine as they appeared on camera.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUiTQvT0W_0
9. MTV Gets Mick Jagger to Proclaim “I Want My MTV” for One Dollar: By now we’ve all heard the catchphrase “I Want My MTV” which went public almost immediately after the conception of the famed music channel. MTV executives figured if they could get one of music’s biggest icons, Mick Jagger, to speak the phrase first that everyone else in music would follow. Executive Les Garland travelled to France to meet up with the Rolling Stones frontman who absconded that the Rolling Stones don’t do commercials for anyone unless they were paid to do it. At the time, MTV wasn’t exactly rolling in money which led Garland to tell Jagger he couldn’t pay him to do the spot and instead threw a dollar down on the table and jokingly proclaimed that was all they could muster. Jagger, amused by Garland’s sense of humor agreed and filmed the very first “I Want My MTV” spot in history which led countless other musical legends like David Bowie, Madonna and The Police to follow suit figuring if Jagger was cool with MTV it was ok for everyone else to be cool with it too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46idQ5USX18
10. The Van Halen Contest that Nearly Killed a Fan: In the Golden Age of MTV from 1981-1992, the fledgling cable network tried a host of gimmicky contests to get fans to tune in. One such contest promised one lucky fan a weekend of partying with Van Halen in what was famously and appropriately called “Lost Weekend With Van Halen” which steals its name from the movie “The Lost Weekend” that chronicles an alcoholic’s weekend of binge drinking. The fan who won the contest was a college student named Kurt Jefferis who had recently suffered a traumatic brain injury and was sending countless postcards to MTV while in recovery. At first glance, Jefferis appeared to be just like any other 20-something college student to the boys of Van Halen who were about to expose Jefferis to a weekend of heavy drinking, drug usage, partying and sexual escapade. What they didn’t realize was that Jefferis had recently had a metal plate placed in his head from falling down a flight of stairs resulting in a brain clot. Due to the recent injury, medications and the metal plate, drinking was a big no-no for Jefferis, which was completely lost on Van Halen and their crew of roadies who had been partying hard with the kid for most of the first day. By day two, Jefferis completely started freaking out and throwing up back at his hotel. With the band and MTV legitimately fearing the kid was going to suffer a seizure and die, producers had to stay with him to ensure his safety. Not that Van Halen is to blame, but since then, Jefferis has been in an Anonymous program, suffers from diabetes insipidus and has gone legally blind. When asked about his 15 minutes of fame, Jefferis commented, “I think it lasted a little longer than that.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnbVTduQcgk
Ten Random Factoids From "I Want My MTV" (5 Today, 5 Yesterday)
6. David Fincher Got His Start on MTV: Today, director David Fincher is best known for helming cinematic gems like Fight Club, Se7en and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. However, years before Fincher began working behind the camera as a Hollywood icon he was cutting his teeth as a music video director. His first video was Rick Springfield’s “Bop ‘Til You Drop” in 1984, which can only be described as very Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLnu8SzOGfs
However, it would be incredibly memorable videos like Aerosmith’s “Janie’s Got a Gun”, Billy Idol’s “Cradle of Love” and Madonna’s “Vogue” and “Bad Girl” that would propel Fincher to superstardom and launch a highly successful directing career. His work behind the camera on “Freedom 90” by George Michael helped start a trend of using supermodels in music videos that still gets copied by a multitude of artists today.
7. Michael Jackson’s brother Jackie Launches the Career of a Future Star with an Affair: A short time after Michael Jackson released the immensely successful “Thriller” album in 1982, Jackson clan father Joe Jackson got the five less famous Jackson brothers back together with Michael to form The Jacksons and release the record “Victory” in 1984. For the second single “Torture” choreographer and Billy Idol beau Perri Lister was set to choreograph the video. That didn’t sit well with Jackie Jackson, who was cheating on his then-wife Enid with the woman who he insisted get the choreographer gig instead. That woman was former American Idol judge Paula Abdul. So, I guess there is something to be said for sleeping your way to the top. Of course, I’m sure she had no idea Jackie was married to someone for ten years at that point, right?
8. Sinead O’Connor Weeps: I have never been a Sinead O’Connor fan, but I have to admit that this story is pretty damn incredible, even if a bit heartbreaking. Most all of us know the video for the song “Nothing Compares 2 U” which won Video of the Year at the MTV Video Music Awards in 1990. The video took home 3 VMAs that year and is probably best known for the end of the video when at 3:40 into the song she begins shedding quite a few tears just after singing the lyric “All the flowers that you planted, mama, in the back yard/all died when you went away.” The moment was so powerful because the video came off as so genuine and emotionally powerful. The truth is, O’Connor’s mother died shortly before the video was shot...in one take. The take you see in the video where she’s balling is the one that was used and every tear was as genuine as they appeared on camera.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUiTQvT0W_0
9. MTV Gets Mick Jagger to Proclaim “I Want My MTV” for One Dollar: By now we’ve all heard the catchphrase “I Want My MTV” which went public almost immediately after the conception of the famed music channel. MTV executives figured if they could get one of music’s biggest icons, Mick Jagger, to speak the phrase first that everyone else in music would follow. Executive Les Garland travelled to France to meet up with the Rolling Stones frontman who absconded that the Rolling Stones don’t do commercials for anyone unless they were paid to do it. At the time, MTV wasn’t exactly rolling in money which led Garland to tell Jagger he couldn’t pay him to do the spot and instead threw a dollar down on the table and jokingly proclaimed that was all they could muster. Jagger, amused by Garland’s sense of humor agreed and filmed the very first “I Want My MTV” spot in history which led countless other musical legends like David Bowie, Madonna and The Police to follow suit figuring if Jagger was cool with MTV it was ok for everyone else to be cool with it too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46idQ5USX18
10. The Van Halen Contest that Nearly Killed a Fan: In the Golden Age of MTV from 1981-1992, the fledgling cable network tried a host of gimmicky contests to get fans to tune in. One such contest promised one lucky fan a weekend of partying with Van Halen in what was famously and appropriately called “Lost Weekend With Van Halen” which steals its name from the movie “The Lost Weekend” that chronicles an alcoholic’s weekend of binge drinking. The fan who won the contest was a college student named Kurt Jefferis who had recently suffered a traumatic brain injury and was sending countless postcards to MTV while in recovery. At first glance, Jefferis appeared to be just like any other 20-something college student to the boys of Van Halen who were about to expose Jefferis to a weekend of heavy drinking, drug usage, partying and sexual escapade. What they didn’t realize was that Jefferis had recently had a metal plate placed in his head from falling down a flight of stairs resulting in a brain clot. Due to the recent injury, medications and the metal plate, drinking was a big no-no for Jefferis, which was completely lost on Van Halen and their crew of roadies who had been partying hard with the kid for most of the first day. By day two, Jefferis completely started freaking out and throwing up back at his hotel. With the band and MTV legitimately fearing the kid was going to suffer a seizure and die, producers had to stay with him to ensure his safety. Not that Van Halen is to blame, but since then, Jefferis has been in an Anonymous program, suffers from diabetes insipidus and has gone legally blind. When asked about his 15 minutes of fame, Jefferis commented, “I think it lasted a little longer than that.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnbVTduQcgk
June 22, 2012
Ten Random Factoids From "I Want My MTV" (5 Today, 5 Tomorrow)
1. Bobby Brown Drops His Coke Vial - This one doesn't surprise me one bit. In 1990, Bobby Brown was at the very top of the R&B food chain, fresh off his massively successful solo album "Don't Be Cruel." When Ghostbusters II was released, Brown recorded "On Our Own" for the movie and later performed the hit single on the 1990 MTV Video Music Awards. While Brown was busy dancing up a storm, something unthinkable happened...his vial of coke fell from his pants during the live broadcast. In the book, Brown claims it was his gold bracelet. Several sources who were present including producers state otherwise. See for yourself: At 1:14 something clearly fell from his pocket. At 1:17, Brown goes in for the kill and grabs his "bracelet" or for those of us living in reality, his "coke vial"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0C3zckQ4Kk
2. Def Leppard Swing & Miss With "Pour Some Sugar on Me": Wait, you recall "Pour Some Sugar on Me" being a massive success? It didn't quite happen that way at first. When Def Leppard released the album "Hysteria" following their smash "Pyromania" album, the record was a major disappointment in the United States because it couldn't match the success of the previous album. Three singles had been released in the US, with none of them giving the record the boost it needed on the Billboard charts. Mercury Records, just about ready to give up promotions for the record, financed one last music video for the band which would promote their fourth US single "Pour Some Sugar on Me" in hopes that it would propel the "Hysteria" record to new heights. Now, I'm sure you remember the video for "Pour Some Sugar on Me" which topped the MTV charts for weeks, right? It look JUUUUUUUST like this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCnoND2v5Ow
When Mercury Records saw the video they were devastated. It was a complete disaster. Mercury scrapped the video and wouldn't allow it to be seen on MTV in the US. It wasn't until they later released the more popular "live" video that the "Hysteria" album shot up the charts and ended up becoming Def Leppard's best selling record. Equally interesting, the song almost didn't make the final cut of the record during production.
3. Poison Play the Wrong Song at the Wrong Time: The 1991 MTV Video Music Awards would prove to be a major low point in the history of the glam metal band, Poison. Guitarist C.C. DeVille, along with pretty much everyone in the band, were going through a variety of substance abuse issues. However, C.C. DeVille's cocaine addiction would get the best of him on September 5th of 1991. Poison were scheduled to play their hit single "Unskinny Bop" after a commercial break during the live 1991 VMA airing. Unfortunately, DeVille didn't get the memo and began playing during the commercial break. To not leave DeVille out to dry, the rest of the band joined in and played "Unskinny Bop" during the break to the live audience. When the commercial break ended, cameras showed Poison halfway through their set, which host Arsenio Hall cut short when he realized the band had missed their spot. Because they were live, Poison needed to play something which prompted the band to start an improptu version of "Talk Dirty to Me" which looked and sounded disjointed. At one point C.C. Deville's guitar accidentally unplugged from its amp, which didn't stop the cocaine loaded DeVille from playing unplugged during a section of the performance. After Poison finished, singer Bret Michaels punched out DeVille offstage, leading to DeVille being fired and replaced by axeslinger Richie Kotzen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_CPu9nbMj0
4. Duran Duran Get Banned: This one, many of you might already know about, but it's heavily chronicled in the book along with many other Duran Duran exploits. When you see a music video get banned in 1981 for being too provocative, it usually looks tame by today's standards, especially when you consider how far we've come in this country when it comes to censorship. Well, here's a music video from 1981, the year MTV was born, that to this day still cannot be played on MTV, VH1 or any other cable format. Duran Duran had just released their self-titled debut and wanted to create a stir to boost record sales. Their third single off their debut album was the immortal new wave hit "Girls on Film" and the band decided that they needed something extremely risque for the accompanying music video. Knowing it would be banned immediately, they shot multiple versions of the video including a "clean" version that could be aired on cable. The other version, well, see for yourself. Ice cubes on nipples, anyone?
http://www.youtube.com/verify_age?next_url=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DIOmSRivaL48
5. Billy Idol Draws Blood: In the 1980s, few artists were as shocking and as successful as former punk frontman Billy Idol. When he was ready to film the music video for "White Wedding" he asked his then-girlfriend, choreographer Perri Lister, to act as the bride-to-be in the video. When it came time for Idol to place a ring on Lister's finger in the video, they couldn't get fake blood to properly show up on her ring finger as Idol is slipping the ring onto her digit. So, they did what all great punk artists would do...draw real blood for the scene. Lister's actual finger was sliced for the sequence and the blood you see in the video was actually hers, which managed to slip past MTV's censorship board who assumed it must have been fake.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgFh4RHgn0A
1. Bobby Brown Drops His Coke Vial - This one doesn't surprise me one bit. In 1990, Bobby Brown was at the very top of the R&B food chain, fresh off his massively successful solo album "Don't Be Cruel." When Ghostbusters II was released, Brown recorded "On Our Own" for the movie and later performed the hit single on the 1990 MTV Video Music Awards. While Brown was busy dancing up a storm, something unthinkable happened...his vial of coke fell from his pants during the live broadcast. In the book, Brown claims it was his gold bracelet. Several sources who were present including producers state otherwise. See for yourself: At 1:14 something clearly fell from his pocket. At 1:17, Brown goes in for the kill and grabs his "bracelet" or for those of us living in reality, his "coke vial"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0C3zckQ4Kk
2. Def Leppard Swing & Miss With "Pour Some Sugar on Me": Wait, you recall "Pour Some Sugar on Me" being a massive success? It didn't quite happen that way at first. When Def Leppard released the album "Hysteria" following their smash "Pyromania" album, the record was a major disappointment in the United States because it couldn't match the success of the previous album. Three singles had been released in the US, with none of them giving the record the boost it needed on the Billboard charts. Mercury Records, just about ready to give up promotions for the record, financed one last music video for the band which would promote their fourth US single "Pour Some Sugar on Me" in hopes that it would propel the "Hysteria" record to new heights. Now, I'm sure you remember the video for "Pour Some Sugar on Me" which topped the MTV charts for weeks, right? It look JUUUUUUUST like this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCnoND2v5Ow
When Mercury Records saw the video they were devastated. It was a complete disaster. Mercury scrapped the video and wouldn't allow it to be seen on MTV in the US. It wasn't until they later released the more popular "live" video that the "Hysteria" album shot up the charts and ended up becoming Def Leppard's best selling record. Equally interesting, the song almost didn't make the final cut of the record during production.
3. Poison Play the Wrong Song at the Wrong Time: The 1991 MTV Video Music Awards would prove to be a major low point in the history of the glam metal band, Poison. Guitarist C.C. DeVille, along with pretty much everyone in the band, were going through a variety of substance abuse issues. However, C.C. DeVille's cocaine addiction would get the best of him on September 5th of 1991. Poison were scheduled to play their hit single "Unskinny Bop" after a commercial break during the live 1991 VMA airing. Unfortunately, DeVille didn't get the memo and began playing during the commercial break. To not leave DeVille out to dry, the rest of the band joined in and played "Unskinny Bop" during the break to the live audience. When the commercial break ended, cameras showed Poison halfway through their set, which host Arsenio Hall cut short when he realized the band had missed their spot. Because they were live, Poison needed to play something which prompted the band to start an improptu version of "Talk Dirty to Me" which looked and sounded disjointed. At one point C.C. Deville's guitar accidentally unplugged from its amp, which didn't stop the cocaine loaded DeVille from playing unplugged during a section of the performance. After Poison finished, singer Bret Michaels punched out DeVille offstage, leading to DeVille being fired and replaced by axeslinger Richie Kotzen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_CPu9nbMj0
4. Duran Duran Get Banned: This one, many of you might already know about, but it's heavily chronicled in the book along with many other Duran Duran exploits. When you see a music video get banned in 1981 for being too provocative, it usually looks tame by today's standards, especially when you consider how far we've come in this country when it comes to censorship. Well, here's a music video from 1981, the year MTV was born, that to this day still cannot be played on MTV, VH1 or any other cable format. Duran Duran had just released their self-titled debut and wanted to create a stir to boost record sales. Their third single off their debut album was the immortal new wave hit "Girls on Film" and the band decided that they needed something extremely risque for the accompanying music video. Knowing it would be banned immediately, they shot multiple versions of the video including a "clean" version that could be aired on cable. The other version, well, see for yourself. Ice cubes on nipples, anyone?
http://www.youtube.com/verify_age?next_url=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DIOmSRivaL48
5. Billy Idol Draws Blood: In the 1980s, few artists were as shocking and as successful as former punk frontman Billy Idol. When he was ready to film the music video for "White Wedding" he asked his then-girlfriend, choreographer Perri Lister, to act as the bride-to-be in the video. When it came time for Idol to place a ring on Lister's finger in the video, they couldn't get fake blood to properly show up on her ring finger as Idol is slipping the ring onto her digit. So, they did what all great punk artists would do...draw real blood for the scene. Lister's actual finger was sliced for the sequence and the blood you see in the video was actually hers, which managed to slip past MTV's censorship board who assumed it must have been fake.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgFh4RHgn0A
Thursday, June 21, 2012
June 21, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Favorite Songs With "Summer" in the Title:
1. Boys of Summer - Don Henley
2. Indian Summer Sky - U2
3. Summer Nights - Van Halen
4. Summer of 69 - Bryan Adams
5. Violence of Summer - Duran Duran
6. Summer of Love - The 52's
7. Summertime - DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince
8. Suddenly Last Summer - The Motels
9. Summer in the City - Lovin' Spoonful
10. Cruel Summer - Bananarama
Greg's Top Ten Favorite Songs With "Summer" in the Title:
1. Boys of Summer - Don Henley
2. Indian Summer Sky - U2
3. Summer Nights - Van Halen
4. Summer of 69 - Bryan Adams
5. Violence of Summer - Duran Duran
6. Summer of Love - The 52's
7. Summertime - DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince
8. Suddenly Last Summer - The Motels
9. Summer in the City - Lovin' Spoonful
10. Cruel Summer - Bananarama
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
June 20, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Stupid Things I've Done in a Car (5 Yesterday and an extra special 5 Today):
5. This one happened before I even got my driver's license. I was in front of what used to be the Los Altos DMV with my dad, practicing for my exam. I pull forward past the stop sign into the intersection and in a moment of fear punch it in reverse because I was uncertain if I was going to make it across the entire intersection in time. Did I look behind me to see if there was another car waiting? Heck no. I rammed the back of my Jeep Cherokee right into the grill of some poor schmuck's black Firebird. Nice one, Greg. Thank you dad for writing the guy a check for $300 instead of it going on my record.
4. As if the last incident wasn't enough...Junior year of high school. I'm driving the same Jeep Cherokee. I'm about to pull on Central Expressway from San Tomas. A car is in front of me and is beginning to pull onto the expressway since traffic has cleared. I look behind me to merge and hit the accelerator. One big problem. The car in front of me stalled before it got to merge and, because I wasn't looking ahead of me, accelerated right into his rear bumper. Beautiful. Maybe this driving thing isn't for me...
3. I swear that Jeep Cherokee hates me, even to this day. My mother will recall this momentous occasion. I pull forward to a Shell Gas station on the corner of Lawrence Expressway and Monroe. After I filled the car up with gas I get in and turn on the ignition like anyone else would do. I go to pull out of the station and the most God awful noise comes from the passenger side door and just about every person within 40 yards is staring at me and giving me the "oooooooooh" face. Yup, I pulled to close to those giant metal poles that protect the tanks from being hit and scraped the entire right side of my car up against it. Yeah. Which leads me to #2...
2. So my dad, in his infinite wisdom, thought it would be smart to bondo the door where the damage I inflicted was visible. I can't make this next part up if I tried. The bondo job the guy did on my car was a peach color, which wasn't a big deal. The only problem was, it turned an ever so sexy shade of hot pink after it dried. Me, being a color blind idiot drove it around like it wasn't a big deal until one day someone asked me why I chose pink. I thought they were kidding. Nope. It really contrasted quite nicely with the dark blue paint on the Jeep though.
1. This one might be the biggest dumbass job of all, though. It's 1997 and I'm on my way back from watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show for the umpteenth time. It's about 2 in the morning and my friends want to get breakfast at the Lyon's in Milpitas. It was at this point in my life that I used to smoke cigarettes, which was dumb enough on its own merit. What's dumber than smoking in a car is smoking in a moving car with the convertible top down while the wind is blowing something fierce. As I pull on to 237, while smoking, an ash cherry goes into my left eye, blown free by the wind. A night in the ICU and a full day of immense pain and discomfort and it's a miracle I still have 20/15 vision.
Greg's Top Ten Stupid Things I've Done in a Car (5 Yesterday and an extra special 5 Today):
5. This one happened before I even got my driver's license. I was in front of what used to be the Los Altos DMV with my dad, practicing for my exam. I pull forward past the stop sign into the intersection and in a moment of fear punch it in reverse because I was uncertain if I was going to make it across the entire intersection in time. Did I look behind me to see if there was another car waiting? Heck no. I rammed the back of my Jeep Cherokee right into the grill of some poor schmuck's black Firebird. Nice one, Greg. Thank you dad for writing the guy a check for $300 instead of it going on my record.
4. As if the last incident wasn't enough...Junior year of high school. I'm driving the same Jeep Cherokee. I'm about to pull on Central Expressway from San Tomas. A car is in front of me and is beginning to pull onto the expressway since traffic has cleared. I look behind me to merge and hit the accelerator. One big problem. The car in front of me stalled before it got to merge and, because I wasn't looking ahead of me, accelerated right into his rear bumper. Beautiful. Maybe this driving thing isn't for me...
3. I swear that Jeep Cherokee hates me, even to this day. My mother will recall this momentous occasion. I pull forward to a Shell Gas station on the corner of Lawrence Expressway and Monroe. After I filled the car up with gas I get in and turn on the ignition like anyone else would do. I go to pull out of the station and the most God awful noise comes from the passenger side door and just about every person within 40 yards is staring at me and giving me the "oooooooooh" face. Yup, I pulled to close to those giant metal poles that protect the tanks from being hit and scraped the entire right side of my car up against it. Yeah. Which leads me to #2...
2. So my dad, in his infinite wisdom, thought it would be smart to bondo the door where the damage I inflicted was visible. I can't make this next part up if I tried. The bondo job the guy did on my car was a peach color, which wasn't a big deal. The only problem was, it turned an ever so sexy shade of hot pink after it dried. Me, being a color blind idiot drove it around like it wasn't a big deal until one day someone asked me why I chose pink. I thought they were kidding. Nope. It really contrasted quite nicely with the dark blue paint on the Jeep though.
1. This one might be the biggest dumbass job of all, though. It's 1997 and I'm on my way back from watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show for the umpteenth time. It's about 2 in the morning and my friends want to get breakfast at the Lyon's in Milpitas. It was at this point in my life that I used to smoke cigarettes, which was dumb enough on its own merit. What's dumber than smoking in a car is smoking in a moving car with the convertible top down while the wind is blowing something fierce. As I pull on to 237, while smoking, an ash cherry goes into my left eye, blown free by the wind. A night in the ICU and a full day of immense pain and discomfort and it's a miracle I still have 20/15 vision.
June 19, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Stupid Things I've Seen Drivers Do in their Cars (5 Today and an extra special 5 Tomorrow):
5. Man driving car on El Camino trying to find something in his backseat...for a good 20 seconds. Any idea how much can happen in 20 seconds? In an NBA game, four lead changes can happen, listening to a Nickelback song can cause brain damage, some people can finish and end a sexual experience and you can watch every one of Jamarcus Russell's NFL highlights. Yet, this fucktard thought it would be a good idea to rummage through the backseat of his car for that length of time. I wonder what he was looking for? His good sense, perhaps?
4. Man changing his shirt while driving on the freeway. No, he wasn't wearing just a t-shirt. This guy decided that changing out of his three-piece was a good idea while going 70+ on Highway 101. What would have safely taken less than a minute to do while pulled over at his destination this asshat decided to do in three terrifying minutes while driving on the freeway. Nice.
3. Woman driving with her Cocker Spaniel on the dashboard. Yes, you read that right. The entire fucking dog was resting on the dashboard. At least it was on the passenger side of the car. Brilliant! There's a dingleberry on that dog's ass with more common sense than the idiot behind the wheel. This one inspired today's list, BTW. Gotta love Los Gatos.
2. Man driving his Jeep with his left foot hanging over the edge of his driver side door. I've seen passengers hang their feet out the window, which is dangerous enough, but to be driving your car...that's a true daredevil of douchebaggery. So, driver, what happens when you need to make an evasive maneuver that results in a car accident and your leg gets chopped off because it was hanging outside of the vehicle? Didn't you ever go to an amusement park where they tell you to keep that shit inside the cart?
1. Woman driving her Escalade while talking on the phone with one hand, coffee in her other hand, Miniature Poodle in her lap with his paws on the steering wheel. People, I can't make this shit up. I swear this lady had more crap going on in her general vicinity than there were moving parts in her car's engine. It was truly one of those moments where I wanted a cop to be nearby. The best part of the story...there was cop and when his lights came on to pull her over I cackled with glee. I should have pulled over and shook the cop's hand for being spot on.
Greg's Top Ten Stupid Things I've Seen Drivers Do in their Cars (5 Today and an extra special 5 Tomorrow):
5. Man driving car on El Camino trying to find something in his backseat...for a good 20 seconds. Any idea how much can happen in 20 seconds? In an NBA game, four lead changes can happen, listening to a Nickelback song can cause brain damage, some people can finish and end a sexual experience and you can watch every one of Jamarcus Russell's NFL highlights. Yet, this fucktard thought it would be a good idea to rummage through the backseat of his car for that length of time. I wonder what he was looking for? His good sense, perhaps?
4. Man changing his shirt while driving on the freeway. No, he wasn't wearing just a t-shirt. This guy decided that changing out of his three-piece was a good idea while going 70+ on Highway 101. What would have safely taken less than a minute to do while pulled over at his destination this asshat decided to do in three terrifying minutes while driving on the freeway. Nice.
3. Woman driving with her Cocker Spaniel on the dashboard. Yes, you read that right. The entire fucking dog was resting on the dashboard. At least it was on the passenger side of the car. Brilliant! There's a dingleberry on that dog's ass with more common sense than the idiot behind the wheel. This one inspired today's list, BTW. Gotta love Los Gatos.
2. Man driving his Jeep with his left foot hanging over the edge of his driver side door. I've seen passengers hang their feet out the window, which is dangerous enough, but to be driving your car...that's a true daredevil of douchebaggery. So, driver, what happens when you need to make an evasive maneuver that results in a car accident and your leg gets chopped off because it was hanging outside of the vehicle? Didn't you ever go to an amusement park where they tell you to keep that shit inside the cart?
1. Woman driving her Escalade while talking on the phone with one hand, coffee in her other hand, Miniature Poodle in her lap with his paws on the steering wheel. People, I can't make this shit up. I swear this lady had more crap going on in her general vicinity than there were moving parts in her car's engine. It was truly one of those moments where I wanted a cop to be nearby. The best part of the story...there was cop and when his lights came on to pull her over I cackled with glee. I should have pulled over and shook the cop's hand for being spot on.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
June 15, 2012
Greg's Top Five Reasons I Can't Stand LeBron James: (Why only five? Because it's five more reasons than a lot of people have.)
1. His Arrogance:
Above all, I have a disdain for players being boastful or arrogant, especially when they haven't earned the right to do so. If you're Joe Montana or Michael Jordan, you get to boast a bit. When you're LeBron James and everyone expects you to be the next big thing and you haven't cashed in yet, you need to stay humble. Even after you win, it's probably better to stay soft-spoken about your accomplishments if you want the public to perceive you well. Just ask Tim Duncan. When LeBron, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh held a party in Miami celebrating like they had already won, it rubbed me all kinds of wrong. But the worst offense of all...saying they'd win 8 championships and that thing would be easy. Ask Charles Barkley or Karl Malone how easy it is to win just one ring.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pT-I8jQDQ7c
2. His Narcissism:
By now, you've all seen the of "The Decision" so I won't bother to re-post it here. Why the hell do you need to have a television show dedicated to your decision to either stay in Cleveland or sign elsewhere unless your a full-blown ego-driven narcissist? And please spare me the "he did it for the children" bit. That whole Boys and Girls Club bit was just a cover for the real plot and intentions of that show. If he really wanted to make a donation to the Boys and Girls Club of America he could have done so privately and still made his decision without all the hoopla. You know how Kevin Durant re-signed with the Thunder? He announced it on Twitter in a few short words just to let the fans know. Simple, easy and to the point.
3. His Elitist Attitude:
LeBron James after losing in The Finals last year...
"All the people that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day, they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They have the same personal problems they had today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that."
So, what you're saying is, you think that all the common folk who rooted for you to lose have to go back to their middle class pathetic lives while the rich douchebags like yourself get to live on the top of the hill with your eight Bentleys. Gotcha. Now, he may not have necessarily meant it that way, but that's how it came across to a hell of a lot of people.
4. Calling Himself "King James"
If the quote above wasn't enough to convince you of his over-inflated sense of worth, then this should drive the point home. He nicknamed himself "King James" before entering the NBA Draft. Seriously? King James? There's a Metallica song that I think might better describe LeBron called "King Nothing." You can't call yourself King. Other people can make that name for you if they choose, but you can't endorse it.
You see, you can call yourself King all you want, shithead, but at the end of the day, you have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life you had before you woke up today. You have the same personal problems you had today. You have to put your crown away and wipe your ass just like the rest of us. And until you win more titles than Kobe, Jordan or Russell, you're just another guy with a ring who didn't live up to his own hype.
5. The Exit From Cleveland:
First off, if you make a promise and you state it publicly, don't back out of it unless you like backlash. This is a direct quote from LeBron James:
"I got a goal, and it's a huge goal, and that's to bring an NBA championship here to Cleveland, and I won't stop until I get it."
Ah, so you won't stop until you get it...unless of course you change your mind and take your talents to South Beach, right? Cool. Thanks for coming off like a phony. Furthermore, the way he stormed off after his last game with Cleveland and acted like a baby during the game didn't help his cause. He comes off like the only person that matters is LeBron and I'm sure that's exactly how he wants it.
Greg's Top Five Reasons I Can't Stand LeBron James: (Why only five? Because it's five more reasons than a lot of people have.)
1. His Arrogance:
Above all, I have a disdain for players being boastful or arrogant, especially when they haven't earned the right to do so. If you're Joe Montana or Michael Jordan, you get to boast a bit. When you're LeBron James and everyone expects you to be the next big thing and you haven't cashed in yet, you need to stay humble. Even after you win, it's probably better to stay soft-spoken about your accomplishments if you want the public to perceive you well. Just ask Tim Duncan. When LeBron, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh held a party in Miami celebrating like they had already won, it rubbed me all kinds of wrong. But the worst offense of all...saying they'd win 8 championships and that thing would be easy. Ask Charles Barkley or Karl Malone how easy it is to win just one ring.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pT-I8jQDQ7c
2. His Narcissism:
By now, you've all seen the of "The Decision" so I won't bother to re-post it here. Why the hell do you need to have a television show dedicated to your decision to either stay in Cleveland or sign elsewhere unless your a full-blown ego-driven narcissist? And please spare me the "he did it for the children" bit. That whole Boys and Girls Club bit was just a cover for the real plot and intentions of that show. If he really wanted to make a donation to the Boys and Girls Club of America he could have done so privately and still made his decision without all the hoopla. You know how Kevin Durant re-signed with the Thunder? He announced it on Twitter in a few short words just to let the fans know. Simple, easy and to the point.
3. His Elitist Attitude:
LeBron James after losing in The Finals last year...
"All the people that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day, they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They have the same personal problems they had today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that."
So, what you're saying is, you think that all the common folk who rooted for you to lose have to go back to their middle class pathetic lives while the rich douchebags like yourself get to live on the top of the hill with your eight Bentleys. Gotcha. Now, he may not have necessarily meant it that way, but that's how it came across to a hell of a lot of people.
4. Calling Himself "King James"
If the quote above wasn't enough to convince you of his over-inflated sense of worth, then this should drive the point home. He nicknamed himself "King James" before entering the NBA Draft. Seriously? King James? There's a Metallica song that I think might better describe LeBron called "King Nothing." You can't call yourself King. Other people can make that name for you if they choose, but you can't endorse it.
You see, you can call yourself King all you want, shithead, but at the end of the day, you have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life you had before you woke up today. You have the same personal problems you had today. You have to put your crown away and wipe your ass just like the rest of us. And until you win more titles than Kobe, Jordan or Russell, you're just another guy with a ring who didn't live up to his own hype.
5. The Exit From Cleveland:
First off, if you make a promise and you state it publicly, don't back out of it unless you like backlash. This is a direct quote from LeBron James:
"I got a goal, and it's a huge goal, and that's to bring an NBA championship here to Cleveland, and I won't stop until I get it."
Ah, so you won't stop until you get it...unless of course you change your mind and take your talents to South Beach, right? Cool. Thanks for coming off like a phony. Furthermore, the way he stormed off after his last game with Cleveland and acted like a baby during the game didn't help his cause. He comes off like the only person that matters is LeBron and I'm sure that's exactly how he wants it.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
Friday, June 1, 2012
June 1, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Favorite Desserts:
1. Marie Calendar's Warm Apple Pie & Vanilla Ice Cream (old school, but freaking perfect)
2. BJ's Peanut Butter Pizookie
3. La Fondue's Chocolate Fondue
4. Glazed Donuts from Stan's Donuts
5. PF Chang's Red Velvet Cake
6. Foster's Freeze Vanilla Soft Serve
7. Double D's Warm Brownie A la Mode
8. Creme Brulee
9. Dippin' Dots
10. Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie
Greg's Top Ten Favorite Desserts:
1. Marie Calendar's Warm Apple Pie & Vanilla Ice Cream (old school, but freaking perfect)
2. BJ's Peanut Butter Pizookie
3. La Fondue's Chocolate Fondue
4. Glazed Donuts from Stan's Donuts
5. PF Chang's Red Velvet Cake
6. Foster's Freeze Vanilla Soft Serve
7. Double D's Warm Brownie A la Mode
8. Creme Brulee
9. Dippin' Dots
10. Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie
May 31, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Actors/Actresses I Can't Believe Were Nominated For An Academy Award:
1. Gary Busey (1978, Best Actor)
2. Randy Quaid (1973, Best Supporting Actor)
3. Eric Roberts (1985, Best Supporting Actor)
4. Dan Aykroyd (1989 Best Supporting Actor)
5. Rosie Perez (1993 Best Supporting Actress)
6. Mira Sorvino (1995 Best Supporting Actress)
7. John C. Reily (2002 Best Supporting Actor)
8. Clive Owen (2004 Best Supporting Actor)
9. Andy Garcia (1990 Best Supporting Actor)
10. Rip Torn (1983 Best Supporting Actor)
1. Gary Busey (1978, Best Actor)
2. Randy Quaid (1973, Best Supporting Actor)
3. Eric Roberts (1985, Best Supporting Actor)
4. Dan Aykroyd (1989 Best Supporting Actor)
5. Rosie Perez (1993 Best Supporting Actress)
6. Mira Sorvino (1995 Best Supporting Actress)
7. John C. Reily (2002 Best Supporting Actor)
8. Clive Owen (2004 Best Supporting Actor)
9. Andy Garcia (1990 Best Supporting Actor)
10. Rip Torn (1983 Best Supporting Actor)
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
May 28, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Favorite James Bond Movies:
1. The Spy Who Loved Me
2. From Russia With Love
3. Moonraker
4. Goldfinger
5. Octopussy
6. For Your Eyes Only
7. The Living Daylights
8. Casino Royale
9. License to Kill
10. View to a Kill (total crap movie, but a major guilty pleasure...good soundtrack, too ;) )
Greg's Top Ten Favorite James Bond Movies:
1. The Spy Who Loved Me
2. From Russia With Love
3. Moonraker
4. Goldfinger
5. Octopussy
6. For Your Eyes Only
7. The Living Daylights
8. Casino Royale
9. License to Kill
10. View to a Kill (total crap movie, but a major guilty pleasure...good soundtrack, too ;) )
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
May 14, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Bands I Wish Would Get Back Together One Last Time:
1. Genesis (original lineup with Peter Gabriel on lead, Phil Collins on drums/lead)
2. Guns N Roses (Rose/Adler/Slash/McKagan/Stradlin)
3. Journey (with Steve Perry)
4. Talking Heads
5. Prince & The Revolution
6. David Lee Roth Band (with Steve Vai & Bill Sheehan)
7. Foreigner
8. KISS (with Peter Criss & Ace Frehley)
9. Huey Lewis & The News (original 80s lineup)
10. Van Halen (with Michael Anthony)
Greg's Top Ten Bands I Wish Would Get Back Together One Last Time:
1. Genesis (original lineup with Peter Gabriel on lead, Phil Collins on drums/lead)
2. Guns N Roses (Rose/Adler/Slash/McKagan/Stradlin)
3. Journey (with Steve Perry)
4. Talking Heads
5. Prince & The Revolution
6. David Lee Roth Band (with Steve Vai & Bill Sheehan)
7. Foreigner
8. KISS (with Peter Criss & Ace Frehley)
9. Huey Lewis & The News (original 80s lineup)
10. Van Halen (with Michael Anthony)
Friday, May 11, 2012
May 10, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Favorite Female-Led Rock Bands:
1. Garbage (Shirley Manson)
2. Heart (Ann & Nancy Wilson)
3. Fleetwood Mac (Stevie Nicks/Christine McVie)
4. Eurythmics (Annie Lennox)
5. Luscious Jackson (Jill Cunniff/Gabby Glaser/Vivian Trimble)
6. The Pretenders (Chrissy Hynde)
7. Blondie (Debbie Harry)
8. The 52's (Cindy Wilson/Kate Pierson)
9. Joan Jett & The Blackhearts (Joan Jett)
10. The Cranberries (Dolores O'Riordan)
1. Garbage (Shirley Manson)
2. Heart (Ann & Nancy Wilson)
3. Fleetwood Mac (Stevie Nicks/Christine McVie)
4. Eurythmics (Annie Lennox)
5. Luscious Jackson (Jill Cunniff/Gabby Glaser/Vivian Trimble)
6. The Pretenders (Chrissy Hynde)
7. Blondie (Debbie Harry)
8. The 52's (Cindy Wilson/Kate Pierson)
9. Joan Jett & The Blackhearts (Joan Jett)
10. The Cranberries (Dolores O'Riordan)
May 8, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Favorite Athlete Press Conference Rants:
1. Jim Mora's Infamous "Playoffs" Rant
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-oSFYxDGKy8
2. Jerry Burns Drops Some F-Bombs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNcBFZ26lcI&feature=fvwrel
3. Jim Mora's "Diddly Poo" Rant
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tie0tz7jGDI
4. Allen Iverson's "Practice"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGDBR2L5kzI&feature=related
5. Dennis Green "They Are Who We Thought They Were"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWmQbk5h86w
6. Mike Gundy "I'm a Man!" Rant
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoMmbUmKN0E&feature=fvwrel
7. Herm Edwards "You Play to Win the Game!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W42iiCcFbxE
8. Hal McRae Needs a Hug
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kamDqL-AGzI
9. Bob Knight's Crystal Ball
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50LsvwmgJ7I&feature=related
10. Mike Ditka Doesn't Like You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIbNb1RZzlU
Greg's Top Ten Favorite Athlete Press Conference Rants:
1. Jim Mora's Infamous "Playoffs" Rant
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-oSFYxDGKy8
2. Jerry Burns Drops Some F-Bombs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNcBFZ26lcI&feature=fvwrel
3. Jim Mora's "Diddly Poo" Rant
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tie0tz7jGDI
4. Allen Iverson's "Practice"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGDBR2L5kzI&feature=related
5. Dennis Green "They Are Who We Thought They Were"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWmQbk5h86w
6. Mike Gundy "I'm a Man!" Rant
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoMmbUmKN0E&feature=fvwrel
7. Herm Edwards "You Play to Win the Game!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W42iiCcFbxE
8. Hal McRae Needs a Hug
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kamDqL-AGzI
9. Bob Knight's Crystal Ball
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50LsvwmgJ7I&feature=related
10. Mike Ditka Doesn't Like You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIbNb1RZzlU
May 3, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Things That Piss Me Off To No End...(6-10 Today, 1-5 Yesterday)
6. Drama Queens: Here's the deal, if you invite drama into your life, drama will certainly run rampant and make your life a living hell. I find that most of the people I know who complain about drama incessantly are the same people that seek drama out at every turn. Folks, if you want to live without drama, don't go looking for it. You may not be able to completely avoid it, but you'll do yourself a favor when you don't go looking for it at every turn and then bitch to everyone about how your life is so awful. I think the biggest problem is that people grow up in homes that are large theatrical productions and once they leave the nest the don't know how to live in peace. Drama becomes the norm. Please pay your therapist on the way out the door. That'll be $125.
7. People Who Make Noises When They Eat: I was at AAA today and a woman behind me decided to eat yogurt while waiting for her car to be smogged. I could be wrong, but it sounded more like two dogs licking peanut butter from baboon's ass. I turned green and walked into the other room. How hard is it to eat with your damn mouth shut? If you can't eat in silence you should be forced to consume nutrients through a feeding tube. Horses eat less noisily after running the Belmont Stakes than this woman did at AAA.
8. People Who Drive in the Carpool Lane Illegally: I, like so many of you, drive in peak commuter hours and obey the rules by not driving in the carpool lane. Every day I find new ways for California to make a fortune. Just set up a few cops in the left shoulder and yank people off the road in swarms. With the amount of money that it costs to pay the fine for illegally using the carpool lane we should be able to solve world hunger in no time. It's absolute douchbaggery at its finest when you're sitting patiently in midday traffic and some asshat in a Mercedes drives by in the carpool lane without a passenger other than his extra large ego which obviously rides shotgun along with his over-inflated sense of importance. May a cat take a large dump on your car's hood you're polishing your Douchebag of the Year Award in your den.
9. Cocaine Fingernail: You all know this one. It's the guy who obviously snorts cocaine because his pinky finger's fingernail is longer than Florence Griffith Joyner's. It's disgusting. It's bad enough that you have a cocaine habit, but it's made ever more disturbing by the fact that you work in the service industry and proudly display your addiction on your pinky finger. I hope you don't wash your hands, coke addict with the long fingernail. That way every time you snort cocaine up your nose a little bit of everything else your dirty hands have touched goes right to your brain, shit for brains.
10. Gary Radnich: I rarely call people out by name, but I simply cannot hold back. I would rather listen to Jim Rome repeat himself a million times and talk absolute nonsense with his stupid clones than spend a moment during my morning commute listening to Radnich spew whatever brand of garbage he's promoting on his radio program. Hell, I'd rather listen to friggin' Yanni albums while getting a root canal than spend one second of my life with Gary Radnich invading my auditory senses. I understand he's been in the business of sports journalism for decades but now he's like that tenured professor you had in college who no longer gives two shits about his job and just rants all day about how his shit doesn't stink and everyone should kiss his ass. That's Radnich in nutshell.
Greg's Top Ten Things That Piss Me Off To No End...(6-10 Today, 1-5 Yesterday)
6. Drama Queens: Here's the deal, if you invite drama into your life, drama will certainly run rampant and make your life a living hell. I find that most of the people I know who complain about drama incessantly are the same people that seek drama out at every turn. Folks, if you want to live without drama, don't go looking for it. You may not be able to completely avoid it, but you'll do yourself a favor when you don't go looking for it at every turn and then bitch to everyone about how your life is so awful. I think the biggest problem is that people grow up in homes that are large theatrical productions and once they leave the nest the don't know how to live in peace. Drama becomes the norm. Please pay your therapist on the way out the door. That'll be $125.
7. People Who Make Noises When They Eat: I was at AAA today and a woman behind me decided to eat yogurt while waiting for her car to be smogged. I could be wrong, but it sounded more like two dogs licking peanut butter from baboon's ass. I turned green and walked into the other room. How hard is it to eat with your damn mouth shut? If you can't eat in silence you should be forced to consume nutrients through a feeding tube. Horses eat less noisily after running the Belmont Stakes than this woman did at AAA.
8. People Who Drive in the Carpool Lane Illegally: I, like so many of you, drive in peak commuter hours and obey the rules by not driving in the carpool lane. Every day I find new ways for California to make a fortune. Just set up a few cops in the left shoulder and yank people off the road in swarms. With the amount of money that it costs to pay the fine for illegally using the carpool lane we should be able to solve world hunger in no time. It's absolute douchbaggery at its finest when you're sitting patiently in midday traffic and some asshat in a Mercedes drives by in the carpool lane without a passenger other than his extra large ego which obviously rides shotgun along with his over-inflated sense of importance. May a cat take a large dump on your car's hood you're polishing your Douchebag of the Year Award in your den.
9. Cocaine Fingernail: You all know this one. It's the guy who obviously snorts cocaine because his pinky finger's fingernail is longer than Florence Griffith Joyner's. It's disgusting. It's bad enough that you have a cocaine habit, but it's made ever more disturbing by the fact that you work in the service industry and proudly display your addiction on your pinky finger. I hope you don't wash your hands, coke addict with the long fingernail. That way every time you snort cocaine up your nose a little bit of everything else your dirty hands have touched goes right to your brain, shit for brains.
10. Gary Radnich: I rarely call people out by name, but I simply cannot hold back. I would rather listen to Jim Rome repeat himself a million times and talk absolute nonsense with his stupid clones than spend a moment during my morning commute listening to Radnich spew whatever brand of garbage he's promoting on his radio program. Hell, I'd rather listen to friggin' Yanni albums while getting a root canal than spend one second of my life with Gary Radnich invading my auditory senses. I understand he's been in the business of sports journalism for decades but now he's like that tenured professor you had in college who no longer gives two shits about his job and just rants all day about how his shit doesn't stink and everyone should kiss his ass. That's Radnich in nutshell.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
May 2, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Things That Piss Me Off To No End...(1-5 Today, 6-10 Tomorrow)
1. Internet Trolling: What sort of wanker spends time on internet message boards shit talking people who are paying respects to someone who just passed away? Do you have any semblance of a life whatsoever? Is your world so pathetic that you have to screw with people on a message board due to an infantile response to your own emotional baggage? Are you angry with your mommy for not buying you the GI Joe with the kung-fu grip when you were a kid and are dealing with it by leaving nasty little notes on message boards? I just went over to a message board on an NFL site to hear fan responses to Junior Seau's death and some jackhole said that because he was a San Diego Charger he deserved to die horribly. Very classy. Internet trolls are the most miserable lot.
2. People Who Wear Too Much Perfume/Cologne: To the old bag of bones in aisle one at the Nob Hill in San Jose: every fucking fruit and vegetable in the store now tastes like Chanel No. 5. Thank you very much. If you smell so bad that you have to practically bathe in a tub of the shit, then don't leave the fucking house. Seriously, we all smell like Chanel No. 5 now and everything we consume at the store now tastes like it, too. I almost want to say something to you about how awful you smell, except that the message clearly wouldn't reach your brain due to the damage already caused by the fumes that surround your corpse of a body. Thank you very f-ing much.
3. Flakes: No, not Frosted Flakes. And, no, not people who flake on occasion. We're all guilty of it from time to time. I'm talking about perpetual flakes. People who almost always let you down and offer little in return to make up for their flakiness. They may even mean well, but it matters little if you ask me. Just say you can't make it. Or call. In fact, send a damn smoke signal or a damned carrier pigeon. Just don't make me wait around for your disorganized self and expect it to be okay. I have better things to do, like write a top ten list about how much you piss me off when you consistently flake on me and then complain about how all of your friends are leaving you. Gee, I wonder why they do that?
4. Bad Tippers: Here's the deal. If you go somewhere where tipping is customary, like, say, DOUBLE D'S SPORTS GRILLE!!!, tip appropriately. This goes double if the person gives you great service. Just take care of the person who takes care of you. Don't spend $115 in liquor and then tip $12 because you're cheap or you want to prove to the person you've just had serve you that your "better" than they are because you're the customer and they're just a lowly peon in your pathetic little world where you're the greatest thing since sliced bread. Get over your snooty little ass, pull out a slide rule or a damn calculator and do the math: 15-18% is an average tip. Figure it out and tip properly, you damn fool. Especially if you plan a return visit anytime in the near future.
5. People Who Don't Wear Seat Belts: How many people on this planet need to die senselessly because they are too lazy or "daring" to take three fricking seconds to click a safety belt? How many? This isn't something you can blame on a disease like people who drink themselves to death or die from a drug overdose. It's a damned safety measure that each and every person on this planet is perfectly capable of operating if they're permitted to drive an vehicle. Even an effing chimpanzee can be taught to use a seat belt so what the hell prevents any moron out there capable of passing a driving exam to do the same for themselves? The same hand you just used to wash your butt could be used to save your life by spending three seconds before driving off into the sunset...or the concrete divider on highway 17.
Greg's Top Ten Things That Piss Me Off To No End...(1-5 Today, 6-10 Tomorrow)
1. Internet Trolling: What sort of wanker spends time on internet message boards shit talking people who are paying respects to someone who just passed away? Do you have any semblance of a life whatsoever? Is your world so pathetic that you have to screw with people on a message board due to an infantile response to your own emotional baggage? Are you angry with your mommy for not buying you the GI Joe with the kung-fu grip when you were a kid and are dealing with it by leaving nasty little notes on message boards? I just went over to a message board on an NFL site to hear fan responses to Junior Seau's death and some jackhole said that because he was a San Diego Charger he deserved to die horribly. Very classy. Internet trolls are the most miserable lot.
2. People Who Wear Too Much Perfume/Cologne: To the old bag of bones in aisle one at the Nob Hill in San Jose: every fucking fruit and vegetable in the store now tastes like Chanel No. 5. Thank you very much. If you smell so bad that you have to practically bathe in a tub of the shit, then don't leave the fucking house. Seriously, we all smell like Chanel No. 5 now and everything we consume at the store now tastes like it, too. I almost want to say something to you about how awful you smell, except that the message clearly wouldn't reach your brain due to the damage already caused by the fumes that surround your corpse of a body. Thank you very f-ing much.
3. Flakes: No, not Frosted Flakes. And, no, not people who flake on occasion. We're all guilty of it from time to time. I'm talking about perpetual flakes. People who almost always let you down and offer little in return to make up for their flakiness. They may even mean well, but it matters little if you ask me. Just say you can't make it. Or call. In fact, send a damn smoke signal or a damned carrier pigeon. Just don't make me wait around for your disorganized self and expect it to be okay. I have better things to do, like write a top ten list about how much you piss me off when you consistently flake on me and then complain about how all of your friends are leaving you. Gee, I wonder why they do that?
4. Bad Tippers: Here's the deal. If you go somewhere where tipping is customary, like, say, DOUBLE D'S SPORTS GRILLE!!!, tip appropriately. This goes double if the person gives you great service. Just take care of the person who takes care of you. Don't spend $115 in liquor and then tip $12 because you're cheap or you want to prove to the person you've just had serve you that your "better" than they are because you're the customer and they're just a lowly peon in your pathetic little world where you're the greatest thing since sliced bread. Get over your snooty little ass, pull out a slide rule or a damn calculator and do the math: 15-18% is an average tip. Figure it out and tip properly, you damn fool. Especially if you plan a return visit anytime in the near future.
5. People Who Don't Wear Seat Belts: How many people on this planet need to die senselessly because they are too lazy or "daring" to take three fricking seconds to click a safety belt? How many? This isn't something you can blame on a disease like people who drink themselves to death or die from a drug overdose. It's a damned safety measure that each and every person on this planet is perfectly capable of operating if they're permitted to drive an vehicle. Even an effing chimpanzee can be taught to use a seat belt so what the hell prevents any moron out there capable of passing a driving exam to do the same for themselves? The same hand you just used to wash your butt could be used to save your life by spending three seconds before driving off into the sunset...or the concrete divider on highway 17.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
May 1, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Ridley & Tony Scott Directed Movies:
1. Blade Runner (Ridley Scott)
2. Beverly Hills Cop 2 (Tony Scott)
3. Top Gun (Tony Scott)
4. Alien (Ridley Scott)
5. True Romance (Tony Scott)
6. Gladiator (Ridley Scott)
7. Legend (Ridley Scott)
8. The Last Boy Scout (Tony Scott)
9. Man on Fire (Tony Scott)
10. Days of Thunder (Tony Scott)
Greg's Top Ten Ridley & Tony Scott Directed Movies:
1. Blade Runner (Ridley Scott)
2. Beverly Hills Cop 2 (Tony Scott)
3. Top Gun (Tony Scott)
4. Alien (Ridley Scott)
5. True Romance (Tony Scott)
6. Gladiator (Ridley Scott)
7. Legend (Ridley Scott)
8. The Last Boy Scout (Tony Scott)
9. Man on Fire (Tony Scott)
10. Days of Thunder (Tony Scott)
April 26, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Greatest #1 Overall Picks In NFL History
1. John Elway, QB #1 overall 1983 (Baltimore Colts)
2. Peyton Manning, QB #1 overall 1998 (Indianapolis Colts)
3. Bruce Smith, DE #1 overall 1985 (Buffalo Bills)
4. Chuck Bednarik, LB/C #1 overall 1949 (Philadelphia Eagles)
5. O.J. Simpson, RB #1 overall 1969 (Buffalo Bills)
6. Earl Campbell, RB #1 overall 1978 (Houston Oilers)
7. Terry Bradshaw, QB, #1 overall 1970 (Pittsburgh Steelers)
8. Troy Aikman, QB, #1 overall 1989 (Dallas Cowboys)
9. Lee Roy Selmon, DE, #1 overall 1976 (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
10. Ron Yary, OT #1 overall 1968 (Minnesota Vikings)
Greg's Top Ten Greatest #1 Overall Picks In NFL History
1. John Elway, QB #1 overall 1983 (Baltimore Colts)
2. Peyton Manning, QB #1 overall 1998 (Indianapolis Colts)
3. Bruce Smith, DE #1 overall 1985 (Buffalo Bills)
4. Chuck Bednarik, LB/C #1 overall 1949 (Philadelphia Eagles)
5. O.J. Simpson, RB #1 overall 1969 (Buffalo Bills)
6. Earl Campbell, RB #1 overall 1978 (Houston Oilers)
7. Terry Bradshaw, QB, #1 overall 1970 (Pittsburgh Steelers)
8. Troy Aikman, QB, #1 overall 1989 (Dallas Cowboys)
9. Lee Roy Selmon, DE, #1 overall 1976 (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
10. Ron Yary, OT #1 overall 1968 (Minnesota Vikings)
Monday, April 23, 2012
April 22, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Things That Are Like Death and Taxes (1-5 Today, 6-10 Yesterday):
5. You’ll Live A Fuller Life Than Kim Kardashian: I have no idea how she sleeps at night knowing how much she is despised by the world. I think it would drive me absolutely insane to know that virtually every person on the planet thinks I’m a complete joke of a person. If she’s even 10% the superficial jerk she appears to be she’s a miserable human being. There’s a little part of me that hopes one day she’ll blow everyone away by sell everything she owns and join the Peace Corps for five years but I think we all know that’s about as likely as the Cubs winning a World Series in the next 100 years. It could happen, but we all know better.
4. Auto Mechanics Will Be Perceived To Be Con-Artists: Has anyone with average car knowledge actually ever gone to an auto mechanic they didn’t know and felt completely confident they were getting charged appropriately? Anyone? They could be completely legit and charge you the fair market value and you’ll probably still think you’re getting jacked. You go in for one simple repair and before you know it you’re having a complete overhaul that costs 10 times what you expected.
3. Pat Sajak and Vanna White Will Never Age: I used to watch Wheel of Fortune with my parents back in the 1980s, right around the time Vanna White tried her hand at acting. Anyone remember the absolutely awful movie “Goddess of Love” that aired in 1988. There’s a reason why Vanna White isn’t given many speaking lines on Wheel of Fortune and that bomb of a movie is proof. But I digress. Sajak and White must be drinking from the same Kool-Aid that Dick Clark did for so many years because they don’t look a day past 1988.
2. Hall and Oates Will Play At The Mountain Winery: I swear, those two fools will be long dead and they’ll still be on the summer schedule for the Mountain Winery. The staff will just roll their old bones out there and make them play “Maneater.” Has anyone ever recalled a time before 1995 when they didn’t play a show in the summer at the Winery? Heck, I may as well put Huey Lewis and The News up there, too, not that I would ever sit front row at a Huey Lewis concert at the Winery. No. No. No. Not me. Ok, maybe that one time.
1. Life Will Go On: Call it a cliche, but I try to live by these words quite often. Death. Taxes. Life will go on. Even when things seem insurmountable, I feel as though somehow, someway, things work out. They may not necessarily work out the way you planned, but they work out. In fact, most of the time I feel as though things don’t work out exactly as planned, but we humans are a flexible bunch. We make it work, somehow. I still can’t believe all the crap I’ve been through in my life that I’ve managed to bounce back from. It’s the getting through it that sucks, but the light at the end of the tunnel can be so rewarding.
Greg's Top Ten Things That Are Like Death and Taxes (1-5 Today, 6-10 Yesterday):
5. You’ll Live A Fuller Life Than Kim Kardashian: I have no idea how she sleeps at night knowing how much she is despised by the world. I think it would drive me absolutely insane to know that virtually every person on the planet thinks I’m a complete joke of a person. If she’s even 10% the superficial jerk she appears to be she’s a miserable human being. There’s a little part of me that hopes one day she’ll blow everyone away by sell everything she owns and join the Peace Corps for five years but I think we all know that’s about as likely as the Cubs winning a World Series in the next 100 years. It could happen, but we all know better.
4. Auto Mechanics Will Be Perceived To Be Con-Artists: Has anyone with average car knowledge actually ever gone to an auto mechanic they didn’t know and felt completely confident they were getting charged appropriately? Anyone? They could be completely legit and charge you the fair market value and you’ll probably still think you’re getting jacked. You go in for one simple repair and before you know it you’re having a complete overhaul that costs 10 times what you expected.
3. Pat Sajak and Vanna White Will Never Age: I used to watch Wheel of Fortune with my parents back in the 1980s, right around the time Vanna White tried her hand at acting. Anyone remember the absolutely awful movie “Goddess of Love” that aired in 1988. There’s a reason why Vanna White isn’t given many speaking lines on Wheel of Fortune and that bomb of a movie is proof. But I digress. Sajak and White must be drinking from the same Kool-Aid that Dick Clark did for so many years because they don’t look a day past 1988.
2. Hall and Oates Will Play At The Mountain Winery: I swear, those two fools will be long dead and they’ll still be on the summer schedule for the Mountain Winery. The staff will just roll their old bones out there and make them play “Maneater.” Has anyone ever recalled a time before 1995 when they didn’t play a show in the summer at the Winery? Heck, I may as well put Huey Lewis and The News up there, too, not that I would ever sit front row at a Huey Lewis concert at the Winery. No. No. No. Not me. Ok, maybe that one time.
1. Life Will Go On: Call it a cliche, but I try to live by these words quite often. Death. Taxes. Life will go on. Even when things seem insurmountable, I feel as though somehow, someway, things work out. They may not necessarily work out the way you planned, but they work out. In fact, most of the time I feel as though things don’t work out exactly as planned, but we humans are a flexible bunch. We make it work, somehow. I still can’t believe all the crap I’ve been through in my life that I’ve managed to bounce back from. It’s the getting through it that sucks, but the light at the end of the tunnel can be so rewarding.
Friday, April 20, 2012
April 20, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Things That Are Like Death and Taxes (10-6 Today, 5-1 Tomorrow):
10. The Sharks Losing In The Playoffs: I've never been a hockey fan. Even though Canadian blood runs through my veins, I've just never been able to latch onto the sport. Perhaps that's a blessing because I'd almost surely be a Sharks fan and if history tells me anything it's that Sharks fans will experience perennial heartache in the postseason. Actually, let me rephrase that. Sharks fans KNOW they'll experience perennial heartache in the postseason. They can see it coming because every year is the same tired old story. Compete for the playoffs. Make the playoffs. Lose in the playoffs. Thank you for coming. I'm not in any way shape or form knocking Sharks fans though - such a loyal bunch. But I feel as though they've put in their due diligence every year only to watch their beloved team let them down every single season.
9. Dick Clark Will Host New Year's Eve: Oh, crap. Wait. Too soon?
8. Saturday Night Live Will Somehow Not Get Cancelled: I know it's practically the equivalent of a television national monument at this point in it's run but aside from 1-2 skits per night, it's about as funny as watching Ishtar without the use of mind-altering drugs. And can someone please explain to me how Kristen Wiig became such a well-respected comic icon? She might be the least funny person on the show not named Kenan Thompson. Every skit she fumbles through her lines and plays the same crazed loon. If only Gilda Radner could come back and show her how real comedy is created. I sense that someday SNL will finally end it's tremendous run, but I don't see it happening anytime in the near future.
7. Nicolas Cage Will Act in Terrible Movies: Remember when he was so brilliant in "Raising Arizona" or when he won an Academy Award for "Leaving Las Vegas" back in 1995? Since the 1990s, when Cage was in his prime, he's been in some absolute dogs that probably didn't last more than a few weeks in theaters. "The Wicker Man", "Bangkok Dangerous" and "Drive Angry" are a far cry from movies like "The Rock" and "Face/Off". I realize Nicolas Cage has suffered financial burdens lately but how many absolute crap movies do you have to sign on for every year to pay off your debts? When you're getting about $5 million per movie I would think a pair of awful "Ghost Rider" movies would settle the bill.
6. MTV Will Play More Reality Shows Than Videos: I still can't get past how a network that calls itself Music Television dedicates over half of its lineup to shows that have nothing to do with music. "16 and Pregnant", "The Substitute", "The Pauly D Project", "Punk'd" and "Savage U" are just some of the, er, entertainment programs on MTV. Remember when shows like "Yo, MTV Raps", "Headbanger's Ball" and "Club MTV" were peppered into MTV's programming? What the hell happened? What stupid jagoff decided that reality shows that have no basis in reality were a more valuable product than shows that actually provide insight into the world of music? I can think of hundreds of music-related shows that would be more interesting than watching utter crap like "The Pauly D Project"
Greg's Top Ten Things That Are Like Death and Taxes (10-6 Today, 5-1 Tomorrow):
10. The Sharks Losing In The Playoffs: I've never been a hockey fan. Even though Canadian blood runs through my veins, I've just never been able to latch onto the sport. Perhaps that's a blessing because I'd almost surely be a Sharks fan and if history tells me anything it's that Sharks fans will experience perennial heartache in the postseason. Actually, let me rephrase that. Sharks fans KNOW they'll experience perennial heartache in the postseason. They can see it coming because every year is the same tired old story. Compete for the playoffs. Make the playoffs. Lose in the playoffs. Thank you for coming. I'm not in any way shape or form knocking Sharks fans though - such a loyal bunch. But I feel as though they've put in their due diligence every year only to watch their beloved team let them down every single season.
9. Dick Clark Will Host New Year's Eve: Oh, crap. Wait. Too soon?
8. Saturday Night Live Will Somehow Not Get Cancelled: I know it's practically the equivalent of a television national monument at this point in it's run but aside from 1-2 skits per night, it's about as funny as watching Ishtar without the use of mind-altering drugs. And can someone please explain to me how Kristen Wiig became such a well-respected comic icon? She might be the least funny person on the show not named Kenan Thompson. Every skit she fumbles through her lines and plays the same crazed loon. If only Gilda Radner could come back and show her how real comedy is created. I sense that someday SNL will finally end it's tremendous run, but I don't see it happening anytime in the near future.
7. Nicolas Cage Will Act in Terrible Movies: Remember when he was so brilliant in "Raising Arizona" or when he won an Academy Award for "Leaving Las Vegas" back in 1995? Since the 1990s, when Cage was in his prime, he's been in some absolute dogs that probably didn't last more than a few weeks in theaters. "The Wicker Man", "Bangkok Dangerous" and "Drive Angry" are a far cry from movies like "The Rock" and "Face/Off". I realize Nicolas Cage has suffered financial burdens lately but how many absolute crap movies do you have to sign on for every year to pay off your debts? When you're getting about $5 million per movie I would think a pair of awful "Ghost Rider" movies would settle the bill.
6. MTV Will Play More Reality Shows Than Videos: I still can't get past how a network that calls itself Music Television dedicates over half of its lineup to shows that have nothing to do with music. "16 and Pregnant", "The Substitute", "The Pauly D Project", "Punk'd" and "Savage U" are just some of the, er, entertainment programs on MTV. Remember when shows like "Yo, MTV Raps", "Headbanger's Ball" and "Club MTV" were peppered into MTV's programming? What the hell happened? What stupid jagoff decided that reality shows that have no basis in reality were a more valuable product than shows that actually provide insight into the world of music? I can think of hundreds of music-related shows that would be more interesting than watching utter crap like "The Pauly D Project"
Sunday, April 15, 2012
April 15, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Examples of Athletes Playing Themselves in Movies:
1. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in "Airplane"
2. Mike Tyson in "The Hangover 1 & 2"
3. Reggie Jackson in "The Naked Gun"
4. Dan Marino in "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
5. Brett Favre in "There's Something About Mary"
6. Lawrence Taylor in "The Waterboy"
7. Michael Jordan in "Space Jam"
8. Lee Trevino in "Happy Gilmore"
9. Lance Armstrong in "Dodgeball"
10. Spud Webb in "Forget Paris"
Greg's Top Ten Examples of Athletes Playing Themselves in Movies:
1. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in "Airplane"
2. Mike Tyson in "The Hangover 1 & 2"
3. Reggie Jackson in "The Naked Gun"
4. Dan Marino in "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
5. Brett Favre in "There's Something About Mary"
6. Lawrence Taylor in "The Waterboy"
7. Michael Jordan in "Space Jam"
8. Lee Trevino in "Happy Gilmore"
9. Lance Armstrong in "Dodgeball"
10. Spud Webb in "Forget Paris"
Friday, April 13, 2012
April 13, 2012
Greg’s Top Ten Favorite Hair Metal Bands
1. Motley Crue: Favorite Song - Piece of Your Action
2. Guns N’ Roses (80’s era): Favorite Song - Patience
3. Def Leppard: Favorite Song - Wasted
4. David Lee Roth Band: Favorite Song - Big Trouble
5. Scorpions: Favorite Song - Loving You Sunday Morning
6. Whitesnake: Favorite Song - Still of the Night
7. Skid Row: Favorite Song - 18 and Life
8. Twisted Sister: Favorite Song - I Wanna Rock
9. RATT: Favorite Song - Round and Round
10. Poison: Favorite Song - Every Rose Has Its Thorn
Greg’s Top Ten Favorite Hair Metal Bands
1. Motley Crue: Favorite Song - Piece of Your Action
2. Guns N’ Roses (80’s era): Favorite Song - Patience
3. Def Leppard: Favorite Song - Wasted
4. David Lee Roth Band: Favorite Song - Big Trouble
5. Scorpions: Favorite Song - Loving You Sunday Morning
6. Whitesnake: Favorite Song - Still of the Night
7. Skid Row: Favorite Song - 18 and Life
8. Twisted Sister: Favorite Song - I Wanna Rock
9. RATT: Favorite Song - Round and Round
10. Poison: Favorite Song - Every Rose Has Its Thorn
Thursday, April 12, 2012
April 11, 2012
Greg’s Top Ten Awesome NFL Records Held By Less Than Awesome Players:
1. 1986, Ken O’Brien, New York Jets - Became the only player in NFL history to post a 400-yard passing game with a perfect QB Rating of 158.3.
2. 1985, Stephone Paige, Kansas City Chiefs - His 309 receiving yards in one game are the most ever in NFL history in a non-overtime game. (Flipper Anderson of the Los Angeles Rams had 336 in an overtime game in 1989)
3. 1988, Timmy Smith, Washington Redskins - Hold Super Bowl record for most rushing yards in a single game with 204.
4. 1995, Glyn Milburn, Denver Broncos - Holds NFL record for most all-purpose yards in a single game with 404.
5. 1962-63, Tom Morrow, Oakland Raiders - Intercepted at least one pass in 8 straight games over a span of two seasons.
6. 1961, Charley Hennigan, Houston Oilers - Holds the NFL record for the most receiving yards in a single month with 822.
7. 1961, Lionel Taylor, Denver Broncos - Became the first player in NFL history to post a 100-reception season.
8. 1969, Steve O’Neal, New York Jets - Holds the NFL record for the longest punt, a 98-yarder.
9. 1991-1995, Gale Gilbert, Buffalo Bills/San Diego Chargers - Only player in NFL history to play in 5 straight Super Bowls.
10. 1951, Dub Jones, Cleveland Browns - Became first NFL player to score six touchdowns in single game. (since tied by Gale Sayers and Ernie Nevers)
Greg’s Top Ten Awesome NFL Records Held By Less Than Awesome Players:
1. 1986, Ken O’Brien, New York Jets - Became the only player in NFL history to post a 400-yard passing game with a perfect QB Rating of 158.3.
2. 1985, Stephone Paige, Kansas City Chiefs - His 309 receiving yards in one game are the most ever in NFL history in a non-overtime game. (Flipper Anderson of the Los Angeles Rams had 336 in an overtime game in 1989)
3. 1988, Timmy Smith, Washington Redskins - Hold Super Bowl record for most rushing yards in a single game with 204.
4. 1995, Glyn Milburn, Denver Broncos - Holds NFL record for most all-purpose yards in a single game with 404.
5. 1962-63, Tom Morrow, Oakland Raiders - Intercepted at least one pass in 8 straight games over a span of two seasons.
6. 1961, Charley Hennigan, Houston Oilers - Holds the NFL record for the most receiving yards in a single month with 822.
7. 1961, Lionel Taylor, Denver Broncos - Became the first player in NFL history to post a 100-reception season.
8. 1969, Steve O’Neal, New York Jets - Holds the NFL record for the longest punt, a 98-yarder.
9. 1991-1995, Gale Gilbert, Buffalo Bills/San Diego Chargers - Only player in NFL history to play in 5 straight Super Bowls.
10. 1951, Dub Jones, Cleveland Browns - Became first NFL player to score six touchdowns in single game. (since tied by Gale Sayers and Ernie Nevers)
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
April 10, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Movies I Can't Believe I Saw In Theaters (1-5 Yesterday, 6-10 Today):
6. Showgirls - Now some of you might be crying foul since this is only ranked #6 on my list. Allow me to explain. This list isn't about the worst movies I've ever seen. It's a list of movies I can't believe I saw in theaters and I can sort of explain this selection away by pulling the stupid teenager card. When you're a teenager and your raging hormones tell you to see Showgirls with all of your friends because there will be boobies involved, everything above the neck shuts down. Hence, my decision to fork over $8 to go see this at the Century 23 along with several other friends on Facebook I shall keep nameless. You know who you are.
7. Jason Goes to Hell (Friday the 13th sequel) - The very first "date" I ever went on. Needless to say there was no second date. As for the movie, it is by far one of the least scary horror movies I've ever seen. In fact, it's more funny than scary which isn't a compliment. Although I think some people will give this movie a pass because nobody should ever go to a Friday the 13th movie with the expectation that it will be the next Citizen Kane, the fact that I actually took a girl to see this movie with the expectation that it would go over well gives this movie a spot on the list.
8. On Deadly Ground - There are good Steven Seagal movies and then there's On Deadly Ground. Not that Seagal movies are incredible action films, but most of you that have seen his earlier movies know how awesomely bad they are. Hard to Kill, Under Siege and Out For Justice are all Seagal movies I count among those I've seen in theaters and have no problem admitting so. On Deadly Ground is neither awesome nor awesomely bad. It's just bad. In every way. I should have known better because every Seagal movie up to that point had gotten progressively worse. Today, Seagal turned 60 years old, BTW. I guess some things don't get better with age.
9. Meet Wally Sparks - Remember when Rodney Dangerfield was actually really funny. When this movie was made, I don't think Rodney Dangerfield remembered when he was funny. Seriously, he was a shell of his former self at this point in his career and genuinely looked the part of a man suffering from dementia. The man we all laughed with in Caddyshack, Back to School and Easy Money was long gone above the neckline at this point in his life and his sense of humor followed suit. I have no idea why on earth I decided to see this movie knowing full well it was going to suck. I guess there was a Thornton Melon inside of me hoping to relive Dangerfield's glory years when he was a comedic genius.
10. Better Than Chocolate - What, you've never heard of Better Than Chocolate? Don't worry, nobody outside of my friend Jaceand I have because the movie had only two paying customers who both admit this was a bad idea. In fact, did we even pay to see this? If so we really should get a full refund assuming this absolute bust of a film didn't bankrupt the production company.
Greg's Top Ten Movies I Can't Believe I Saw In Theaters (1-5 Yesterday, 6-10 Today):
6. Showgirls - Now some of you might be crying foul since this is only ranked #6 on my list. Allow me to explain. This list isn't about the worst movies I've ever seen. It's a list of movies I can't believe I saw in theaters and I can sort of explain this selection away by pulling the stupid teenager card. When you're a teenager and your raging hormones tell you to see Showgirls with all of your friends because there will be boobies involved, everything above the neck shuts down. Hence, my decision to fork over $8 to go see this at the Century 23 along with several other friends on Facebook I shall keep nameless. You know who you are.
7. Jason Goes to Hell (Friday the 13th sequel) - The very first "date" I ever went on. Needless to say there was no second date. As for the movie, it is by far one of the least scary horror movies I've ever seen. In fact, it's more funny than scary which isn't a compliment. Although I think some people will give this movie a pass because nobody should ever go to a Friday the 13th movie with the expectation that it will be the next Citizen Kane, the fact that I actually took a girl to see this movie with the expectation that it would go over well gives this movie a spot on the list.
8. On Deadly Ground - There are good Steven Seagal movies and then there's On Deadly Ground. Not that Seagal movies are incredible action films, but most of you that have seen his earlier movies know how awesomely bad they are. Hard to Kill, Under Siege and Out For Justice are all Seagal movies I count among those I've seen in theaters and have no problem admitting so. On Deadly Ground is neither awesome nor awesomely bad. It's just bad. In every way. I should have known better because every Seagal movie up to that point had gotten progressively worse. Today, Seagal turned 60 years old, BTW. I guess some things don't get better with age.
9. Meet Wally Sparks - Remember when Rodney Dangerfield was actually really funny. When this movie was made, I don't think Rodney Dangerfield remembered when he was funny. Seriously, he was a shell of his former self at this point in his career and genuinely looked the part of a man suffering from dementia. The man we all laughed with in Caddyshack, Back to School and Easy Money was long gone above the neckline at this point in his life and his sense of humor followed suit. I have no idea why on earth I decided to see this movie knowing full well it was going to suck. I guess there was a Thornton Melon inside of me hoping to relive Dangerfield's glory years when he was a comedic genius.
10. Better Than Chocolate - What, you've never heard of Better Than Chocolate? Don't worry, nobody outside of my friend Jaceand I have because the movie had only two paying customers who both admit this was a bad idea. In fact, did we even pay to see this? If so we really should get a full refund assuming this absolute bust of a film didn't bankrupt the production company.
April 9, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Movies I Can't Believe I Saw In Theaters (1-5 Today, 6-10 Tomorrow):
1. Twilight - When I told Myriah, I would see it with her I had no idea just how awful an experience it would end up being. If there are two "actors" in this world who lucked into fame and fortune it is the aforementioned Kristen Stewart and her love interest Robert Pattinson. It's almost like the casting director made a bet with the producers and said "I bet this movie makes over $200 million no matter who we cast in the leads." Honestly, neither one of these two hacks have any acting skills in their bodies. It was like watching a broken shovel (Stewart) fall in love with a pale mop (Pattinson).
2. Knock Off - Only twice in my life have I ever walked out of a movie. This gem of a Jean Claude Van Damme movie is one of them. It co-starred Rob Schnieder which means that there was one actor in the movie who was actually worse than Van Damme. I've long considered Rob Schneider to be completely useless as a comedian and we all know Van Damme movies took a serious turn for the worse in the mid 90s. Put these two idiots together in a movie where they are fighting criminals who sell knock off clothing and you have a movie worthy of Razzie Awards galore. My friends and I walked out after about 15 minutes and saw the Wesley Snipes movie "Blade" instead. That's like going to the prom and ditching a drugged out of her mind Lindsay Lohan for Katherine McPhee.
3. Cabin Boy - I'll admit, I saw this treasure of a comedy when it first came out. Mike McCullough and Daniel Forte saw it with me and will probably admit it ranked among the least funny things they'd ever seen in their lives. It certainly ranks as the least funny "comedy" I'd ever seen up to that point. The only thing in the movie that was worth seeing was the credits because it meant the torture was over with. It pretty much spelled the end of Chris Elliott's leading man career and relegated him to creepy person status in movies like "There's Something About Mary" and television shows "How I Met Your Mother." It's any wonder his daughter Abby Elliott of SNL fame is so attractive and funny considering where her genes came from.
4. Clifford - If you've never heard of this one, consider yourself lucky. In fact, do yourself a favor and never under any circumstances ever rent this dog of a movie. Here's the movie in a nutshell: Martin Short plays a 10 year-old boy (not a stretch) who terrorizes his family which include actor Charles Grodin and Mary Steenburgen. There, now you've seen Clifford. It was absolutely unwatchable and made me wonder how on earth the man who directed the hilarious John Candy romp "Who's Harry Crumb" made this utter piece of crap. Furthermore, it was the beginning of the end for Martin Short's feature film career which didn't exactly get off to a good start in the 1990s having starred in "Pure Luck" and "Captain Ron" before signing on for "Clifford" in 1994.
5. Princess Diaries 2 - When you're trying to impress your future wife, you have to bite the bullet once in a while and this was one of those moments. In fact, I think Myriah even felt sorry for me when all was said and done. We still joke about having seen this together and with good reason. It's a typical Disney movie sequel trying to capitalize on a predecessor that made a shit-ton of money at the box office. It formulaic, has a predictable story and few redeeming qualities. It wasn't as bad as some movies I've seen in theaters like "Repo Men" or "Anger Management" but it is one of those movies that I still can't believe I paid to watch.
Greg's Top Ten Movies I Can't Believe I Saw In Theaters (1-5 Today, 6-10 Tomorrow):
1. Twilight - When I told Myriah, I would see it with her I had no idea just how awful an experience it would end up being. If there are two "actors" in this world who lucked into fame and fortune it is the aforementioned Kristen Stewart and her love interest Robert Pattinson. It's almost like the casting director made a bet with the producers and said "I bet this movie makes over $200 million no matter who we cast in the leads." Honestly, neither one of these two hacks have any acting skills in their bodies. It was like watching a broken shovel (Stewart) fall in love with a pale mop (Pattinson).
2. Knock Off - Only twice in my life have I ever walked out of a movie. This gem of a Jean Claude Van Damme movie is one of them. It co-starred Rob Schnieder which means that there was one actor in the movie who was actually worse than Van Damme. I've long considered Rob Schneider to be completely useless as a comedian and we all know Van Damme movies took a serious turn for the worse in the mid 90s. Put these two idiots together in a movie where they are fighting criminals who sell knock off clothing and you have a movie worthy of Razzie Awards galore. My friends and I walked out after about 15 minutes and saw the Wesley Snipes movie "Blade" instead. That's like going to the prom and ditching a drugged out of her mind Lindsay Lohan for Katherine McPhee.
3. Cabin Boy - I'll admit, I saw this treasure of a comedy when it first came out. Mike McCullough and Daniel Forte saw it with me and will probably admit it ranked among the least funny things they'd ever seen in their lives. It certainly ranks as the least funny "comedy" I'd ever seen up to that point. The only thing in the movie that was worth seeing was the credits because it meant the torture was over with. It pretty much spelled the end of Chris Elliott's leading man career and relegated him to creepy person status in movies like "There's Something About Mary" and television shows "How I Met Your Mother." It's any wonder his daughter Abby Elliott of SNL fame is so attractive and funny considering where her genes came from.
4. Clifford - If you've never heard of this one, consider yourself lucky. In fact, do yourself a favor and never under any circumstances ever rent this dog of a movie. Here's the movie in a nutshell: Martin Short plays a 10 year-old boy (not a stretch) who terrorizes his family which include actor Charles Grodin and Mary Steenburgen. There, now you've seen Clifford. It was absolutely unwatchable and made me wonder how on earth the man who directed the hilarious John Candy romp "Who's Harry Crumb" made this utter piece of crap. Furthermore, it was the beginning of the end for Martin Short's feature film career which didn't exactly get off to a good start in the 1990s having starred in "Pure Luck" and "Captain Ron" before signing on for "Clifford" in 1994.
5. Princess Diaries 2 - When you're trying to impress your future wife, you have to bite the bullet once in a while and this was one of those moments. In fact, I think Myriah even felt sorry for me when all was said and done. We still joke about having seen this together and with good reason. It's a typical Disney movie sequel trying to capitalize on a predecessor that made a shit-ton of money at the box office. It formulaic, has a predictable story and few redeeming qualities. It wasn't as bad as some movies I've seen in theaters like "Repo Men" or "Anger Management" but it is one of those movies that I still can't believe I paid to watch.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
April 6, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Favorite 90s Rap Songs
1. "Check the Rhime" - Tribe Called Quest
2. "Return of the Mack" - Mark Morrison
3. "Around the Way Girl" - LL Cool J
4. "Hypnotize" - Notorious B.I.G.
5. "Sure Shot" - Beastie Boys
6. "Mind Playing Tricks on Me" - Geto Boys
7."Get it Together" - Beastie Boys
8. "Big Poppa" - Notorious B.I.G.
9. "Treat 'Em Right" - Chubb Rock
10. "Welcome to the Terrordome" - Public Enemy
1. "Check the Rhime" - Tribe Called Quest
2. "Return of the Mack" - Mark Morrison
3. "Around the Way Girl" - LL Cool J
4. "Hypnotize" - Notorious B.I.G.
5. "Sure Shot" - Beastie Boys
6. "Mind Playing Tricks on Me" - Geto Boys
7."Get it Together" - Beastie Boys
8. "Big Poppa" - Notorious B.I.G.
9. "Treat 'Em Right" - Chubb Rock
10. "Welcome to the Terrordome" - Public Enemy
Thursday, April 5, 2012
April 5, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Favorite 80s Rap Songs:
1. "Don't Believe the Hype" - Public Enemy
2. "Beats to the Rhyme" - Run DMC
3. "Children's Story" - Slick Rick
4. "She's Crafty" - Beastie Boys
5. "The Message" - Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five
6. "Fight the Power" - Public Enemy
7. "Straight Outta Compton" - N.W.A.
8. "Hit It Run" - Run DMC
9. "Night of the Living Baseheads" - Public Enemy
10. "Peter Piper" - Run DMC
Greg's Top Ten Favorite 80s Rap Songs:
1. "Don't Believe the Hype" - Public Enemy
2. "Beats to the Rhyme" - Run DMC
3. "Children's Story" - Slick Rick
4. "She's Crafty" - Beastie Boys
5. "The Message" - Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five
6. "Fight the Power" - Public Enemy
7. "Straight Outta Compton" - N.W.A.
8. "Hit It Run" - Run DMC
9. "Night of the Living Baseheads" - Public Enemy
10. "Peter Piper" - Run DMC
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
April 1, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Favorite Movie Villains:
1. Hans Gruber played by Alan Rickman (Die Hard)
2. Darth Vader voiced by James Earl Jones, played by Sebastian Shaw & David Prowse (Star Wars Orignal Trilogy)
3. Khan Noonien Singh played by Ricardo Montalban (Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan)
4. Roy Batty played by Rutger Hauer (Blade Runner)
5. The Joker played by Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)
6. Neil McCauley played by Robert DeNiro (Heat)
7. Darkness played by Tim Curry (Legend)
8. General Zod played by Terence Stamp (Superman II)
9. Freddy Krueger played by Robert Englund (Nightmare on Elm St.)
10. Roger "Verbal" Kint played by Kevin Spacey (Usual Suspects)
Greg's Top Ten Favorite Movie Villains:
1. Hans Gruber played by Alan Rickman (Die Hard)
2. Darth Vader voiced by James Earl Jones, played by Sebastian Shaw & David Prowse (Star Wars Orignal Trilogy)
3. Khan Noonien Singh played by Ricardo Montalban (Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan)
4. Roy Batty played by Rutger Hauer (Blade Runner)
5. The Joker played by Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)
6. Neil McCauley played by Robert DeNiro (Heat)
7. Darkness played by Tim Curry (Legend)
8. General Zod played by Terence Stamp (Superman II)
9. Freddy Krueger played by Robert Englund (Nightmare on Elm St.)
10. Roger "Verbal" Kint played by Kevin Spacey (Usual Suspects)
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
March 29, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Favorite 80s WWF Wrestlers:
1. The British Bulldogs (Davey Boy Smith & The Dynamite Kid
2. Bret "The Hitman" Hart
3. Randy "Macho Man" Savage
4. Rowdy Roddy Piper
5. The Dream Team (Greg "The Hammer" Valentine & Brutus Beefcake)
6. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat
7. Jake "The Snake" Roberts
8. The Killer Bees (B. Brian Blair & Jumpin' Jim Brunzell)
9. Tito Santana
10. Hulk Hogan
Greg's Top Ten Favorite 80s WWF Wrestlers:
1. The British Bulldogs (Davey Boy Smith & The Dynamite Kid
2. Bret "The Hitman" Hart
3. Randy "Macho Man" Savage
4. Rowdy Roddy Piper
5. The Dream Team (Greg "The Hammer" Valentine & Brutus Beefcake)
6. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat
7. Jake "The Snake" Roberts
8. The Killer Bees (B. Brian Blair & Jumpin' Jim Brunzell)
9. Tito Santana
10. Hulk Hogan
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
March 28, 2012
Greg's Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Bag of Douche (1-5 Yesterday, 6-10 Today):
6. You Were Deeply Offended By #1-5: Yeah. If you read 1-5 and felt deeply scarred by the words I wrote yesterday this list might be written for you. Have a sense of humor about life. I’m a self-professed Duran Duran addict who thinks the world should embrace the genius of Miami Vice. I’m practically the poster child for self-deprecation, so if you read 1-5 and you’re actually contemplating de-friending or lashing out because that Affliction shirt you love to wear just got dressed down...you might be a douchebag.
7. You Unbutton More Than 2 Buttons on Your Shirt: 1 button is commonplace. 2 buttons is fine. 3-6 buttons and you’re just asking for it. This goes double for you hairy-chested types out there. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, wants to see your nasty-ass, greasy, sweaty, hairy, pube-laden chest rug. It’s completely unacceptable to do this in public because shirts have buttons for a reason and they aren’t to show off how much of a man you are because you have George “The Animal” Steele’s breastplate. If you’re on the beach and you have you shirt off, fine. God gave you a hairy chest and there’s nothing short of waxing that you can do about it, but if you’re in a place where wearing a shirt is required, button up a bit. The rest of us want to eat something without feeling the need to chuck it back up.
8. Your Pants Waistline is Below Your Waistline: Sagging pants might be the dumbest, stupidest most ridiculous idea ever presented to humanity. Seriously, even Kim Kardashian, who by all accounts is everything I just described probably thinks sagging pants are insanely infantile. Who the hell thought that walking around with your pants around your knees was a good idea? Seriously, it’s such a moronic look that when I see someone doing it I want to pants them and jog away slowly because they certainly can’t chase me with their pants around their ankles now can they? Dammit all. This belonged way higher on the list than #8.
9. Name-Dropping: Understand, I’m not referring to the “hey I was pumping gas and you’ll never guess who was in the car next to me” kind of name-dropping. I’m talking about the “I’m telling you I know this person because it makes me sound cooler and more important than I am.” I get this one at Double D’s Sports Grille all the time. Let me set the scene...it’s 7pm on a Saturday and the NCAA Final Four is on. Place is freaking packed.
Douchebag: Hi, how long is the wait.
Me: Probably about 30-40 minutes. Can I put you on the list?
Doucebag: Dude, I’m a friend of Dean’s. Is he here?
Me: Dude, I have news for you. EVERYONE in here is a friend of Dean.
Seriously, I don’t care that you know the owner of the restaurant. I’m going to treat you like every other paying customer in the restaurant because they deserve to be respected exactly the same as you. In fact, the fact that you just name-dropped for the sake of preferential treatment might actually make me want to treat you poorer than other people waiting to get a table.
10. Wearing Sunglasses at Night: Nearly 30 years have passed since Canadian pop star Corey Hart released the hit single “Sunglasses at Night” and even it’s cooler in 2012 than people who wear sunglasses at night. What I want to see in the worst way is for some tool to wear sunglasses at night and run into a pole on the sidewalk because his tinted glasses prevent him from seeing what’s right in front of his face. They’re not called moonglasses, jagoff. See, if the sun is out then it’s okay to wear sunglasses. If the moon is out, they aren’t okay to wear. It’s that simple.
Greg's Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Bag of Douche (1-5 Yesterday, 6-10 Today):
6. You Were Deeply Offended By #1-5: Yeah. If you read 1-5 and felt deeply scarred by the words I wrote yesterday this list might be written for you. Have a sense of humor about life. I’m a self-professed Duran Duran addict who thinks the world should embrace the genius of Miami Vice. I’m practically the poster child for self-deprecation, so if you read 1-5 and you’re actually contemplating de-friending or lashing out because that Affliction shirt you love to wear just got dressed down...you might be a douchebag.
7. You Unbutton More Than 2 Buttons on Your Shirt: 1 button is commonplace. 2 buttons is fine. 3-6 buttons and you’re just asking for it. This goes double for you hairy-chested types out there. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, wants to see your nasty-ass, greasy, sweaty, hairy, pube-laden chest rug. It’s completely unacceptable to do this in public because shirts have buttons for a reason and they aren’t to show off how much of a man you are because you have George “The Animal” Steele’s breastplate. If you’re on the beach and you have you shirt off, fine. God gave you a hairy chest and there’s nothing short of waxing that you can do about it, but if you’re in a place where wearing a shirt is required, button up a bit. The rest of us want to eat something without feeling the need to chuck it back up.
8. Your Pants Waistline is Below Your Waistline: Sagging pants might be the dumbest, stupidest most ridiculous idea ever presented to humanity. Seriously, even Kim Kardashian, who by all accounts is everything I just described probably thinks sagging pants are insanely infantile. Who the hell thought that walking around with your pants around your knees was a good idea? Seriously, it’s such a moronic look that when I see someone doing it I want to pants them and jog away slowly because they certainly can’t chase me with their pants around their ankles now can they? Dammit all. This belonged way higher on the list than #8.
9. Name-Dropping: Understand, I’m not referring to the “hey I was pumping gas and you’ll never guess who was in the car next to me” kind of name-dropping. I’m talking about the “I’m telling you I know this person because it makes me sound cooler and more important than I am.” I get this one at Double D’s Sports Grille all the time. Let me set the scene...it’s 7pm on a Saturday and the NCAA Final Four is on. Place is freaking packed.
Douchebag: Hi, how long is the wait.
Me: Probably about 30-40 minutes. Can I put you on the list?
Doucebag: Dude, I’m a friend of Dean’s. Is he here?
Me: Dude, I have news for you. EVERYONE in here is a friend of Dean.
Seriously, I don’t care that you know the owner of the restaurant. I’m going to treat you like every other paying customer in the restaurant because they deserve to be respected exactly the same as you. In fact, the fact that you just name-dropped for the sake of preferential treatment might actually make me want to treat you poorer than other people waiting to get a table.
10. Wearing Sunglasses at Night: Nearly 30 years have passed since Canadian pop star Corey Hart released the hit single “Sunglasses at Night” and even it’s cooler in 2012 than people who wear sunglasses at night. What I want to see in the worst way is for some tool to wear sunglasses at night and run into a pole on the sidewalk because his tinted glasses prevent him from seeing what’s right in front of his face. They’re not called moonglasses, jagoff. See, if the sun is out then it’s okay to wear sunglasses. If the moon is out, they aren’t okay to wear. It’s that simple.
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