March 27, 2012

Greg's Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Bag of Douche (1-5 Today, 6-10 Tomorrow)

First off, I want to say to all of you out there that I don’t think that all people who are described below are necessarily douchebags. However, perception is reality and if you are doing some of the thing described below it might explain why you’re having a difficult time finding long-lasting meaningful relationships that don’t involve taking joy-rides with your “homies” and cutting people off on the freeway in your gigantic SUV that’s supposed to be a representation of your extraordinary manhood.

1. Driving a Car With Testicles: Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently there's a population of people out there who like to let everyone know that their automobile has a rather large set of testicles - thus telling the whole world how large their own testicles are. I can’t fathom why any person would think this is a good idea. After all, nothing gets a member of the opposite sex more fired up for coitus than a man who drives a car with a fake set of testicles hanging behind it. Of course, they might get more action than a person who correctly uses the word coitus in a sentence, but I digress. Every single time I see one of these testosterone-laden vehicles driving in front of my on the freeway it makes me want to follow the person to their destination, take out a set of bolt cutters, castrate their vehicle and leave the snipped manhood on the front seat of their car.

2. Tapout/Ed Hardy/Affliction Shirts: Again, I want to make it clear that I don’t think everyone who wears these shirts is an asshat who has an over-inflated sense of self-worth, but the perception out there is that if you wear this type of gear, you’re a douchebag. Ask anyone who doesn’t own clothing from these companies and they’ll probably tell you that people who wear them generally come off as douchey before they even get to know the person wearing it. The one that kills me the most isn’t Tapout or Ed Hardy. The person wearing Affliction paraphernalia is the one that takes the douchecake. Nothing says “I’ve been through so much pain in my life that you must respect me because I’m AFFLICTED!” like an Affliction t-shirt. You know what, jackoff, go to Ethiopia where people eat about a teaspoon of food a day and ask them how afflicted your life is.

3. Popped Collars: For God’s sakes, when the frick did this come back into style? Seriously, it’s a part of the 80s that even I think looks like absolute crap and I’m the guy who’s still waiting for pastel colored suits to come back into fashion again. The collar is there for a reason and it isn’t to pop it up so all the world can see how awesome you aren’t. When I see someone doing this in public I feel sad for them. It’s clear that they don’t have enough good honest friends around them to explain that what they are doing will not make them attractive to anyone outside of a Jersey Shore party. Please, stop popping your collars unless you plan to wear matching Z Cavaricci pants and a flock of seagulls haircut so you can look like a complete waste of space.

4. Yelling/Staring at Girls From Your Car: Ladies, has this ever worked on you? Ever? Just once? Didn’t think so. So why does anyone with a pulse think that if you roll your window down and yell at a girl she’ll melt in your hands? I can understand covertly checking someone while you’re driving, but to actually roll your window down and yell something profound or better yet, stare at the girl while she’s nervously rolling up her window. It doesn’t work. I actually witnessed the latter happen right next to me a few days ago. Some kid with his “brahs” pulled up behind me at stoplight and started pulling the moves on a couple of girls in a car to their right. To say that the girls didn’t pull their underwear off and throw them into the seat of the douchemobile to their left would be an understatement. Windows rolled up. Awkward grimaces. Speed away as quickly as their Cabriolet could carry them. Ok, so I made the Cabriolet part up, but the rest should be part of a case study for responses to douchebaggery.

5. Man Tan: I have no problem with people sitting out in the sun and getting a tan. None. It’s a good look for most people. You know what isn’t a good look for any people? Fake man tans. You know the guy - he strolls around with a silver faux-hawk and looks the same color as a can of peach Yoplait with a popped collar. That guy. He must spend quite some time looking that fake on a daily basis. Could it be that Man Tan man is trying to look as fake on the outside as he actually is on the inside? Perhaps so.