March 28, 2012

Greg's Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Bag of Douche (1-5 Yesterday, 6-10 Today):

6. You Were Deeply Offended By #1-5: Yeah. If you read 1-5 and felt deeply scarred by the words I wrote yesterday this list might be written for you. Have a sense of humor about life. I’m a self-professed Duran Duran addict who thinks the world should embrace the genius of Miami Vice. I’m practically the poster child for self-deprecation, so if you read 1-5 and you’re actually contemplating de-friending or lashing out because that Affliction shirt you love to wear just got dressed down...you might be a douchebag.

7. You Unbutton More Than 2 Buttons on Your Shirt: 1 button is commonplace. 2 buttons is fine. 3-6 buttons and you’re just asking for it. This goes double for you hairy-chested types out there. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, wants to see your nasty-ass, greasy, sweaty, hairy, pube-laden chest rug. It’s completely unacceptable to do this in public because shirts have buttons for a reason and they aren’t to show off how much of a man you are because you have George “The Animal” Steele’s breastplate. If you’re on the beach and you have you shirt off, fine. God gave you a hairy chest and there’s nothing short of waxing that you can do about it, but if you’re in a place where wearing a shirt is required, button up a bit. The rest of us want to eat something without feeling the need to chuck it back up.

8. Your Pants Waistline is Below Your Waistline: Sagging pants might be the dumbest, stupidest most ridiculous idea ever presented to humanity. Seriously, even Kim Kardashian, who by all accounts is everything I just described probably thinks sagging pants are insanely infantile. Who the hell thought that walking around with your pants around your knees was a good idea? Seriously, it’s such a moronic look that when I see someone doing it I want to pants them and jog away slowly because they certainly can’t chase me with their pants around their ankles now can they? Dammit all. This belonged way higher on the list than #8.

9. Name-Dropping: Understand, I’m not referring to the “hey I was pumping gas and you’ll never guess who was in the car next to me” kind of name-dropping. I’m talking about the “I’m telling you I know this person because it makes me sound cooler and more important than I am.” I get this one at Double D’s Sports Grille all the time. Let me set the scene...it’s 7pm on a Saturday and the NCAA Final Four is on. Place is freaking packed.

Douchebag: Hi, how long is the wait.
Me: Probably about 30-40 minutes. Can I put you on the list?
Doucebag: Dude, I’m a friend of Dean’s. Is he here?
Me: Dude, I have news for you. EVERYONE in here is a friend of Dean.

Seriously, I don’t care that you know the owner of the restaurant. I’m going to treat you like every other paying customer in the restaurant because they deserve to be respected exactly the same as you. In fact, the fact that you just name-dropped for the sake of preferential treatment might actually make me want to treat you poorer than other people waiting to get a table.

10. Wearing Sunglasses at Night: Nearly 30 years have passed since Canadian pop star Corey Hart released the hit single “Sunglasses at Night” and even it’s cooler in 2012 than people who wear sunglasses at night. What I want to see in the worst way is for some tool to wear sunglasses at night and run into a pole on the sidewalk because his tinted glasses prevent him from seeing what’s right in front of his face. They’re not called moonglasses, jagoff. See, if the sun is out then it’s okay to wear sunglasses. If the moon is out, they aren’t okay to wear. It’s that simple.