May 2, 2012

Greg's Top Ten Things That Piss Me Off To No End...(1-5 Today, 6-10 Tomorrow)

1. Internet Trolling: What sort of wanker spends time on internet message boards shit talking people who are paying respects to someone who just passed away? Do you have any semblance of a life whatsoever? Is your world so pathetic that you have to screw with people on a message board due to an infantile response to your own emotional baggage? Are you angry with your mommy for not buying you the GI Joe with the kung-fu grip when you were a kid and are dealing with it by leaving nasty little notes on message boards? I just went over to a message board on an NFL site to hear fan responses to Junior Seau's death and some jackhole said that because he was a San Diego Charger he deserved to die horribly. Very classy. Internet trolls are the most miserable lot.

2. People Who Wear Too Much Perfume/Cologne: To the old bag of bones in aisle one at the Nob Hill in San Jose: every fucking fruit and vegetable in the store now tastes like Chanel No. 5. Thank you very much. If you smell so bad that you have to practically bathe in a tub of the shit, then don't leave the fucking house. Seriously, we all smell like Chanel No. 5 now and everything we consume at the store now tastes like it, too. I almost want to say something to you about how awful you smell, except that the message clearly wouldn't reach your brain due to the damage already caused by the fumes that surround your corpse of a body. Thank you very f-ing much.

3. Flakes: No, not Frosted Flakes. And, no, not people who flake on occasion. We're all guilty of it from time to time. I'm talking about perpetual flakes. People who almost always let you down and offer little in return to make up for their flakiness. They may even mean well, but it matters little if you ask me. Just say you can't make it. Or call. In fact, send a damn smoke signal or a damned carrier pigeon. Just don't make me wait around for your disorganized self and expect it to be okay. I have better things to do, like write a top ten list about how much you piss me off when you consistently flake on me and then complain about how all of your friends are leaving you. Gee, I wonder why they do that?

4. Bad Tippers: Here's the deal. If you go somewhere where tipping is customary, like, say, DOUBLE D'S SPORTS GRILLE!!!, tip appropriately. This goes double if the person gives you great service. Just take care of the person who takes care of you. Don't spend $115 in liquor and then tip $12 because you're cheap or you want to prove to the person you've just had serve you that your "better" than they are because you're the customer and they're just a lowly peon in your pathetic little world where you're the greatest thing since sliced bread. Get over your snooty little ass, pull out a slide rule or a damn calculator and do the math: 15-18% is an average tip. Figure it out and tip properly, you damn fool. Especially if you plan a return visit anytime in the near future.

5. People Who Don't Wear Seat Belts: How many people on this planet need to die senselessly because they are too lazy or "daring" to take three fricking seconds to click a safety belt? How many? This isn't something you can blame on a disease like people who drink themselves to death or die from a drug overdose. It's a damned safety measure that each and every person on this planet is perfectly capable of operating if they're permitted to drive an vehicle. Even an effing chimpanzee can be taught to use a seat belt so what the hell prevents any moron out there capable of passing a driving exam to do the same for themselves? The same hand you just used to wash your butt could be used to save your life by spending three seconds before driving off into the sunset...or the concrete divider on highway 17.