May 3, 2012

Greg's Top Ten Things That Piss Me Off To No End...(6-10 Today, 1-5 Yesterday)

6. Drama Queens: Here's the deal, if you invite drama into your life, drama will certainly run rampant and make your life a living hell. I find that most of the people I know who complain about drama incessantly are the same people that seek drama out at every turn. Folks, if you want to live without drama, don't go looking for it. You may not be able to completely avoid it, but you'll do yourself a favor when you don't go looking for it at every turn and then bitch to everyone about how your life is so awful. I think the biggest problem is that people grow up in homes that are large theatrical productions and once they leave the nest the don't know how to live in peace. Drama becomes the norm. Please pay your therapist on the way out the door. That'll be $125.

7. People Who Make Noises When They Eat: I was at AAA today and a woman behind me decided to eat yogurt while waiting for her car to be smogged. I could be wrong, but it sounded more like two dogs licking peanut butter from baboon's ass. I turned green and walked into the other room. How hard is it to eat with your damn mouth shut? If you can't eat in silence you should be forced to consume nutrients through a feeding tube. Horses eat less noisily after running the Belmont Stakes than this woman did at AAA.

8. People Who Drive in the Carpool Lane Illegally: I, like so many of you, drive in peak commuter hours and obey the rules by not driving in the carpool lane. Every day I find new ways for California to make a fortune. Just set up a few cops in the left shoulder and yank people off the road in swarms. With the amount of money that it costs to pay the fine for illegally using the carpool lane we should be able to solve world hunger in no time. It's absolute douchbaggery at its finest when you're sitting patiently in midday traffic and some asshat in a Mercedes drives by in the carpool lane without a passenger other than his extra large ego which obviously rides shotgun along with his over-inflated sense of importance. May a cat take a large dump on your car's hood you're polishing your Douchebag of the Year Award in your den.

9. Cocaine Fingernail: You all know this one. It's the guy who obviously snorts cocaine because his pinky finger's fingernail is longer than Florence Griffith Joyner's. It's disgusting. It's bad enough that you have a cocaine habit, but it's made ever more disturbing by the fact that you work in the service industry and proudly display your addiction on your pinky finger. I hope you don't wash your hands, coke addict with the long fingernail. That way every time you snort cocaine up your nose a little bit of everything else your dirty hands have touched goes right to your brain, shit for brains.

10. Gary Radnich: I rarely call people out by name, but I simply cannot hold back. I would rather listen to Jim Rome repeat himself a million times and talk absolute nonsense with his stupid clones than spend a moment during my morning commute listening to Radnich spew whatever brand of garbage he's promoting on his radio program. Hell, I'd rather listen to friggin' Yanni albums while getting a root canal than spend one second of my life with Gary Radnich invading my auditory senses. I understand he's been in the business of sports journalism for decades but now he's like that tenured professor you had in college who no longer gives two shits about his job and just rants all day about how his shit doesn't stink and everyone should kiss his ass. That's Radnich in nutshell.