June 20, 2012

Greg's Top Ten Stupid Things I've Done in a Car (5 Yesterday and an extra special 5 Today):

5. This one happened before I even got my driver's license. I was in front of what used to be the Los Altos DMV with my dad, practicing for my exam. I pull forward past the stop sign into the intersection and in a moment of fear punch it in reverse because I was uncertain if I was going to make it across the entire intersection in time. Did I look behind me to see if there was another car waiting? Heck no. I rammed the back of my Jeep Cherokee right into the grill of some poor schmuck's black Firebird. Nice one, Greg. Thank you dad for writing the guy a check for $300 instead of it going on my record.

4. As if the last incident wasn't enough...Junior year of high school. I'm driving the same Jeep Cherokee. I'm about to pull on Central Expressway from San Tomas. A car is in front of me and is beginning to pull onto the expressway since traffic has cleared. I look behind me to merge and hit the accelerator. One big problem. The car in front of me stalled before it got to merge and, because I wasn't looking ahead of me, accelerated right into his rear bumper. Beautiful. Maybe this driving thing isn't for me...

3. I swear that Jeep Cherokee hates me, even to this day. My mother will recall this momentous occasion. I pull forward to a Shell Gas station on the corner of Lawrence Expressway and Monroe. After I filled the car up with gas I get in and turn on the ignition like anyone else would do. I go to pull out of the station and the most God awful noise comes from the passenger side door and just about every person within 40 yards is staring at me and giving me the "oooooooooh" face. Yup, I pulled to close to those giant metal poles that protect the tanks from being hit and scraped the entire right side of my car up against it. Yeah. Which leads me to #2...

2. So my dad, in his infinite wisdom, thought it would be smart to bondo the door where the damage I inflicted was visible. I can't make this next part up if I tried. The bondo job the guy did on my car was a peach color, which wasn't a big deal. The only problem was, it turned an ever so sexy shade of hot pink after it dried. Me, being a color blind idiot drove it around like it wasn't a big deal until one day someone asked me why I chose pink. I thought they were kidding. Nope. It really contrasted quite nicely with the dark blue paint on the Jeep though.

1. This one might be the biggest dumbass job of all, though. It's 1997 and I'm on my way back from watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show for the umpteenth time. It's about 2 in the morning and my friends want to get breakfast at the Lyon's in Milpitas. It was at this point in my life that I used to smoke cigarettes, which was dumb enough on its own merit. What's dumber than smoking in a car is smoking in a moving car with the convertible top down while the wind is blowing something fierce. As I pull on to 237, while smoking, an ash cherry goes into my left eye, blown free by the wind. A night in the ICU and a full day of immense pain and discomfort and it's a miracle I still have 20/15 vision.