April 10, 2012

Greg's Top Ten Movies I Can't Believe I Saw In Theaters (1-5 Yesterday, 6-10 Today):

6. Showgirls - Now some of you might be crying foul since this is only ranked #6 on my list. Allow me to explain. This list isn't about the worst movies I've ever seen. It's a list of movies I can't believe I saw in theaters and I can sort of explain this selection away by pulling the stupid teenager card. When you're a teenager and your raging hormones tell you to see Showgirls with all of your friends because there will be boobies involved, everything above the neck shuts down. Hence, my decision to fork over $8 to go see this at the Century 23 along with several other friends on Facebook I shall keep nameless. You know who you are.

7. Jason Goes to Hell (Friday the 13th sequel) - The very first "date" I ever went on. Needless to say there was no second date. As for the movie, it is by far one of the least scary horror movies I've ever seen. In fact, it's more funny than scary which isn't a compliment. Although I think some people will give this movie a pass because nobody should ever go to a Friday the 13th movie with the expectation that it will be the next Citizen Kane, the fact that I actually took a girl to see this movie with the expectation that it would go over well gives this movie a spot on the list.

8. On Deadly Ground - There are good Steven Seagal movies and then there's On Deadly Ground. Not that Seagal movies are incredible action films, but most of you that have seen his earlier movies know how awesomely bad they are. Hard to Kill, Under Siege and Out For Justice are all Seagal movies I count among those I've seen in theaters and have no problem admitting so. On Deadly Ground is neither awesome nor awesomely bad. It's just bad. In every way. I should have known better because every Seagal movie up to that point had gotten progressively worse. Today, Seagal turned 60 years old, BTW. I guess some things don't get better with age.

9. Meet Wally Sparks - Remember when Rodney Dangerfield was actually really funny. When this movie was made, I don't think Rodney Dangerfield remembered when he was funny. Seriously, he was a shell of his former self at this point in his career and genuinely looked the part of a man suffering from dementia. The man we all laughed with in Caddyshack, Back to School and Easy Money was long gone above the neckline at this point in his life and his sense of humor followed suit. I have no idea why on earth I decided to see this movie knowing full well it was going to suck. I guess there was a Thornton Melon inside of me hoping to relive Dangerfield's glory years when he was a comedic genius.

10. Better Than Chocolate - What, you've never heard of Better Than Chocolate? Don't worry, nobody outside of my friend Jaceand I have because the movie had only two paying customers who both admit this was a bad idea. In fact, did we even pay to see this? If so we really should get a full refund assuming this absolute bust of a film didn't bankrupt the production company.