April 20, 2012

Greg's Top Ten Things That Are Like Death and Taxes (10-6 Today, 5-1 Tomorrow):

10. The Sharks Losing In The Playoffs: I've never been a hockey fan. Even though Canadian blood runs through my veins, I've just never been able to latch onto the sport. Perhaps that's a blessing because I'd almost surely be a Sharks fan and if history tells me anything it's that Sharks fans will experience perennial heartache in the postseason. Actually, let me rephrase that. Sharks fans KNOW they'll experience perennial heartache in the postseason. They can see it coming because every year is the same tired old story. Compete for the playoffs. Make the playoffs. Lose in the playoffs. Thank you for coming. I'm not in any way shape or form knocking Sharks fans though - such a loyal bunch. But I feel as though they've put in their due diligence every year only to watch their beloved team let them down every single season.

9. Dick Clark Will Host New Year's Eve: Oh, crap. Wait. Too soon?

8. Saturday Night Live Will Somehow Not Get Cancelled: I know it's practically the equivalent of a television national monument at this point in it's run but aside from 1-2 skits per night, it's about as funny as watching Ishtar without the use of mind-altering drugs. And can someone please explain to me how Kristen Wiig became such a well-respected comic icon? She might be the least funny person on the show not named Kenan Thompson. Every skit she fumbles through her lines and plays the same crazed loon. If only Gilda Radner could come back and show her how real comedy is created. I sense that someday SNL will finally end it's tremendous run, but I don't see it happening anytime in the near future.

7. Nicolas Cage Will Act in Terrible Movies: Remember when he was so brilliant in "Raising Arizona" or when he won an Academy Award for "Leaving Las Vegas" back in 1995? Since the 1990s, when Cage was in his prime, he's been in some absolute dogs that probably didn't last more than a few weeks in theaters. "The Wicker Man", "Bangkok Dangerous" and "Drive Angry" are a far cry from movies like "The Rock" and "Face/Off". I realize Nicolas Cage has suffered financial burdens lately but how many absolute crap movies do you have to sign on for every year to pay off your debts? When you're getting about $5 million per movie I would think a pair of awful "Ghost Rider" movies would settle the bill.

6. MTV Will Play More Reality Shows Than Videos: I still can't get past how a network that calls itself Music Television dedicates over half of its lineup to shows that have nothing to do with music. "16 and Pregnant", "The Substitute", "The Pauly D Project", "Punk'd" and "Savage U" are just some of the, er, entertainment programs on MTV. Remember when shows like "Yo, MTV Raps", "Headbanger's Ball" and "Club MTV" were peppered into MTV's programming? What the hell happened? What stupid jagoff decided that reality shows that have no basis in reality were a more valuable product than shows that actually provide insight into the world of music? I can think of hundreds of music-related shows that would be more interesting than watching utter crap like "The Pauly D Project"