April 9, 2012

Greg's Top Ten Movies I Can't Believe I Saw In Theaters (1-5 Today, 6-10 Tomorrow):

1. Twilight - When I told Myriah, I would see it with her I had no idea just how awful an experience it would end up being. If there are two "actors" in this world who lucked into fame and fortune it is the aforementioned Kristen Stewart and her love interest Robert Pattinson. It's almost like the casting director made a bet with the producers and said "I bet this movie makes over $200 million no matter who we cast in the leads." Honestly, neither one of these two hacks have any acting skills in their bodies. It was like watching a broken shovel (Stewart) fall in love with a pale mop (Pattinson).

2. Knock Off - Only twice in my life have I ever walked out of a movie. This gem of a Jean Claude Van Damme movie is one of them. It co-starred Rob Schnieder which means that there was one actor in the movie who was actually worse than Van Damme. I've long considered Rob Schneider to be completely useless as a comedian and we all know Van Damme movies took a serious turn for the worse in the mid 90s. Put these two idiots together in a movie where they are fighting criminals who sell knock off clothing and you have a movie worthy of Razzie Awards galore. My friends and I walked out after about 15 minutes and saw the Wesley Snipes movie "Blade" instead. That's like going to the prom and ditching a drugged out of her mind Lindsay Lohan for Katherine McPhee.

3. Cabin Boy - I'll admit, I saw this treasure of a comedy when it first came out. Mike McCullough and Daniel Forte saw it with me and will probably admit it ranked among the least funny things they'd ever seen in their lives. It certainly ranks as the least funny "comedy" I'd ever seen up to that point. The only thing in the movie that was worth seeing was the credits because it meant the torture was over with. It pretty much spelled the end of Chris Elliott's leading man career and relegated him to creepy person status in movies like "There's Something About Mary" and television shows "How I Met Your Mother." It's any wonder his daughter Abby Elliott of SNL fame is so attractive and funny considering where her genes came from.

4. Clifford - If you've never heard of this one, consider yourself lucky. In fact, do yourself a favor and never under any circumstances ever rent this dog of a movie. Here's the movie in a nutshell: Martin Short plays a 10 year-old boy (not a stretch) who terrorizes his family which include actor Charles Grodin and Mary Steenburgen. There, now you've seen Clifford. It was absolutely unwatchable and made me wonder how on earth the man who directed the hilarious John Candy romp "Who's Harry Crumb" made this utter piece of crap. Furthermore, it was the beginning of the end for Martin Short's feature film career which didn't exactly get off to a good start in the 1990s having starred in "Pure Luck" and "Captain Ron" before signing on for "Clifford" in 1994.

5. Princess Diaries 2 - When you're trying to impress your future wife, you have to bite the bullet once in a while and this was one of those moments. In fact, I think Myriah even felt sorry for me when all was said and done. We still joke about having seen this together and with good reason. It's a typical Disney movie sequel trying to capitalize on a predecessor that made a shit-ton of money at the box office. It formulaic, has a predictable story and few redeeming qualities. It wasn't as bad as some movies I've seen in theaters like "Repo Men" or "Anger Management" but it is one of those movies that I still can't believe I paid to watch.