February 27, 2012

Greg's Top Ten Things Society Should Re-Embrace (1-5 Today, 6-10 Tomorrow):

1. Live Friendly Customer Service: I'm not exactly sure when companies started using computer prompts instead of having a living human being speak to you, but it was sad day for humanity. Whoever the jackhole is that decided to remove the human element from telephone customer service should be forced to use the same crappy prompts when making the 911 call that could potentially save his life. I say "his" life because only a person with a Y chromosome would eliminate the empathy from customer assistance. Just imagine the irony of the guy who invented this money-saving idea trying to make the emergency phone call to the hospital just after experiencing cardiac arrest:

Hospital: "Thank you for calling El Camino Hospital. If you have genital herpes, please press one. If you have anal warts, please press two, if you have a large buildup of ear wax, please press three...(twenty minutes later), if you are having a heart attack, please press 82."

The kind of hair-pulling frustration this insensitive prick would likely be enduring as he's about to expire is probably not too far off from what many of you out there have gone through at some point in your lives. What ever happened to a friendly voice on the other end of the line working hard to keep you the customer satisfied? Instead I have to listen to a series of prompts and then when I finally get connected after twenty minutes of listening to Kenny G instrumentals I have to speak to some poor schmuck who has no training except to read off of some stupid pre-written set of cards his idiot supervisors gave him that supposedly answer every question the customer potentially might have.

2. Full Service Gas Stations: You know that scene in Back to the Future when Marty goes back to 1955 and witnesses a car pull up to a Texaco station and five guys jump out of the building in white suits and service the entire car right there without the customer ever getting out of his vehicle? They clean his windshield, check the air in his tires, fill the tank up with gas. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they shined his damn shoes. When did that go out of style? Most of the time I go to a gas station some asshat who has too much time on his hands gives me a blank stare, takes my $60 without saying a word and punches some buttons on a computer meanwhile I walk to my car in the freezing cold and get raped by Chevron and their $4.50 per gallon gasoline. For 4 f***ing fifty the least you could do is smile at me while you're draining my bank account, you arrogant buffoon. Where's a DeLorean when you need one?

3. Original Movies: Anyone out there with me on this one? Sure, for the average thirteen year-old out there the new "Footloose" movie might be a hoot, especially when they never saw the original. For everyone else out there who has seen the original, we all know we're about to get subjected to a far crappier version than what we grew up on. Remakes are everywhere these days and most all of them suck. Remember when Vince Vaughn starred in the remake of "Psycho" or when Chris Klein was in 2002's "Rollerball." My favorite movie "Blade Runner" is apparently getting the treatment which terrifies me to no end. How do you remake something that's already nearly perfect. Even "Total Recall" is getting the remake treatment with Colin Farrell. Seriously, they're remaking a Schwarzenegger classic and casting Colin Farrell in the lead role. I shutter at the thought. Next thing you know they'll try to remake timeless treasures like "The Breakfast Club" and cast Justin Bieber in the Judd Nelson role.

4. Kids Sitting at the Dinner Table: Because I work at a restaurant, I feel as though I'm exposed to bratty children on a regular basis. When I was a kid I had to sit a the dinner table whenever my parents took me to a restaurant. If I got out of line, it was out to the car we went...and you did NOT want to go out to the car. These days many kids just do as they please, with almost no threat of punishment. I actually saw a kid last night sit down at the table at Double D's and demand his mother give him quarters. So, what did this mother do in response, you ask? Without looking at the little brat she gave him a roll of quarters. I can think of a few things she should have done with that roll of quarters but I might get sent to prison for offering that up here. In all seriousness, while I would never legitimately endorse such violence, I think it's insane that a parent would allow their kid(s) to walk all over them like that and I see it happen all the time.

5. Quality Air Travel: If you've ever seen the wonderful Leonardo DiCaprio movie "Catch Me if You Can" you know how unbelievably well respected airline crews were treated and how in turn they treated their passengers. These days we're stuffed into shiny metal tubes like sardines and served lukewarm chicken dinners with pilots flying the plane on a salary a McDonald's manager wouldn't touch. It's bad enough that the pre-flight experience is a nightmare of standing in long lines, carrying luggage everywhere while you get stink-eye from the airport security for holding up the line while you try and remove your shoes. Where are the gorgeous Pan-Am girls or the pilot who looks like George Clooney or the hot towels and hot meals? I'm guessing the same muffblossom who invented computer prompts on customer service lines probable removed all the suave from air travel, too.