February 7, 2012

Greg's Top Ten People Who I Can't Believe Still Have A-List Careers In Hollywood:

1. Ashton Kutcher: Seriously, what the hell has this guy done in the past six years worth a crap that enables him to still get top billing in movies and television shows? I recognize that some people out there liked "That 70s Show" and that's all fine and dandy but that show ended in 2006. Seriously, go check out his IMDB page and offer up one movie to me that he was the lead male actor in that was a hit at the box office. One - just one, people? They're almost exclusively crap-for-crap romantic comedies that few people outside of a Playtex convention would bat an eyelash over. And his taking over of Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men" hasn't exactly helped his career as the show continues to decline steadily in the ratings department.

2. Jude Law: The word "overrated" in the dictionary should have a photo of Law's face next to it. So what, the guy has a British accent and is good looking enough to shag every housekeeper he's ever employed at his estate. Big deal. As an actor, he often comes off to me as boring and one-dimensional. Aside from 1997's brilliant sci-fi drama "Gattaca" I cannot think of one movie he's been in that I enjoyed. An though I have never seen either of the "Sherlock Holmes" movies, based on what many of my friends say, I have no reason to rush out and see either one. Jude Law earned $9 million for co-starring in "Sherlock Holmes" and I wouldn't pay $9 to see it.

3. Nicole Kidman: I'm starting to think that Tom Cruise dates or marries women to serve two purposes - to turn them into stars and to cover up the fact that he's...nevermind. The two divorced in 2001 and aside from the terrible yet critically acclaimed "Cold Mountain" name one movie past 2001 starring Kidman that was a hit film. Let's run down a list of some of the more memorable films in Kidman's illustrious career since divorcing Cruise..."Bewitched", "The Golden Compass", "Australia", "Trespass" and "Rabbit Hole" to name a few. And those were just the movies I recognized the titles of. Nevermind the blockbuster movies like "Margot at the Wedding" and "Birth." Oh, you never heard of those two last ones? Neither has anybody else.

4. Nicolas Cage: I understand that he's been in some absolutely incredible movies and that's to his credit. I, for one, am a big fan of "The Rock" and "Face/Off" which were both made in the 1990s. Since then, his movies have been mostly terrible with some barely making the theaters like 2011's "Trespass" which co-starred Nicole Kidman. And before you say "He's no longer an A-list actor, Greg" consider this...he's paid like one. In 2010 he was paid $12 million for "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" which barely made back it's astounding $150 million budget. Though he's certainly capable of being a tremendous actor, as evidenced by his Academy Award win for "Leaving Las Vegas" he's mostly known these days for being over-dramatic and one-dimensional.

5. Owen Wilson: I do not understand this guy's appeal. He's not good looking, funny or talented as an actor. Not that his brother is Robert DeNiro, but Luke Wilson has more acting talent in his pinky finger than Wilson does in his whole body and that's saying something. Wilson has been in some really funny movies but plays virtually the same dopey character in every one of them. While Wilson might be the romantic (and God knows why) lead in "Wedding Crashers" it's clearly Vince Vaughn that makes the movie hilarious.

6. Cameron Diaz: Remember when she was smooooooking hot in "The Mask" back in the mid-90s when nobody knew who she was? Since then her career has cooled quite a bit. 2011's "The Green Hornet" and "Bad Teacher" were both forgettable at best and "What Happens in Vegas" from 2008 was downright awful by most accounts. She co-starred with Ashton Kutcher in "What Happens in Vegas" so at least she wasn't the worst actor in the movie, but you get the point. Aside from the Shrek movies, she's been in nothing anyone particularly raves about and yet she still headlines movies every year.

7. M. Night Shyamalan: Kevin Smith has a saying about Hollywood – if your movies even make a few bucks they’ll (studios) will continue letting you make ‘em. That certainly applies to Shyamalan’s movies which aside from 2006’s “Lady in the Water” have all brought in a nice profit for studios. Still, I’m perplexed as to why his movies make money. They usually have massive budgets but are terribly written, horribly acted and generally boring and outrageously overdramatized. If you’ve seen “The Village” or “The Happening” you know exactly what I’m talking about. I just cannot for my life understand why people continue paying to see his movies.

8. Eddie Murphy: Murphy’s career has been a roller coaster of extraordinary highs and plunging lows, the latter of which he is currently resting comfortably in. Murphy was quoted in a Rolling Stone interview as saying the following regarding critics of his movies, "I remember when Beverly Hills Cop came out, they gave it some horrible reviews…back then I would listen and trip. Now I don't listen to anything. I haven't read a newspaper in 20 years. I don't look at the computer or anything. You have to have a filter on what you let in." I guess he’s doing a lot of filtering these days because most of his films lately have been mediocre at best to absolutely terrible at worst. Aside from voicing a Donkey in the Shrek films take a look at how Murphy movies have fared from a financial standpoint: “Imagine That” (2009) cost $55 million and made just $16 million in the U.S., “Meet Dave” (2008) cost $60 million and made just $11.8 million in the U.S. and “The Adventures of Pluto Nash” (2002) was the biggest bomb of all raking in just $4 million on a budget of over $100 million. Yes, folks, you read that right. It made just $4 million domestically on a budget of a small country. The only reason he doesn’t rank higher on the list is because of the Shrek movies and his Academy Award nomination in 2006 for “Dreamgirls” which have both helped to keep him relevant.

9. Drew Barrymore: If I haven’t lost you by this point, this might be the moment where you say “you’ve gone too far, Greg.” Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore Barrymore and think she’s one of the best comeback stories in all of Hollywood, but consider this for a moment: Eddie Murphy brings in $2.70 for every $1 he’s paid per film, mostly because the Shrek movies have been financial juggernauts. Drew Barrymore brings in $0.40 for every $1 she’s paid. That’s right, the man who brought you such colossal busts like “Meet Dave” and “The Adventures of Pluto Nash” is still more profitable than Barrymore. To get an idea of what a truly profitable actor’s value is take for instance Matt Damon, who in 2008 was ranked as Hollywood’s most profitable actor, bringing in $27 for every $1 he was paid for his last three movies.

10. Hollywood Starlets: I know, I know – most of these people will be nothing more than a flash in the pan and perhaps they don’t really belong on this list because right now they’re hot and starring in highly profitable movies more often than not. Still, I get a sense that a shovel with a broken handle could do a better acting job than Kristen Stewart. For a moment in time Megan Fox was the hottest thing in Hollywood and now she’s nearly unemployable because she’s difficult and easily replaceable. Any girl with a large bra size and a pretty face can do the type of work Fox is usually cast for. Here today and gone tomorrow.